The Cold hard Ruthless COLD!!!!!

Why is it when you're feeling like things MIGHT JUST be getting back to normal, something like THE COLD comes along filling your head, throat and nose with utter misery?

I guess if I had truly been paying attention I might have noticed some small inkling of ill coming and about to take charge of my physical well being    Well, perhaps I didn't see it coming because we were watching over our daughter as she had very quickly become ill, a sinus infection and tonsillitis, but as of yesterday was feeling slightly better.   That she was beginning to feel better only makes sense that I should then begin to feel ill.   Oh well how long can it last?   Oh dangerous of me to have put that out there.

Well, all the ammunition lined up and working to eliminate, diminish, or at the very least numb the effects of feeling these ills.   I feel especially desperate after just recovering from recent surgery, which even yet has left my head and neck feeling quite compromised!    Oh woe is me.
Ruthless, cold, heartless and unfeeling cold!

Thy bedtime cometh much earlier this night.

Those Funny Little Things...

It's amazing the weird, quirky little things you don't think about until they are the very things you are missing or perhaps not missing but realizing you just can't do!

Two weeks ago today I had surgery for a Parotid Adenoma, or a benign tumour, tucked in along my Salivary Gland and just below my jaw line!    The only true visual that would give away the fact that I have had any surgery is the impressive scar I now don, strategically zig zagged to follow along the base of my ear and then my jaw line.    For the first few days there was some swelling of course and the scar was looking rather angry, but with bandages removed, poly sporin care and air it's looking much better.   Facial nerves and muscle have been affected, most likely temporary but either way presenting challenges I've never met before!

Now, it's those funny little things that continue to make everything so interesting.   For example, the numbness from below my ear lobe to half way down my scar and it feels oddly hard in that area and the top end of the scar is quite raised.     So many weird little "feelings" and then the really quirky things, like spitting... something we totally take for granted.   We all spit every time we brush our teeth, but presently my spit has no power behind it and even if I try, no direction!   It's a very disappointing result!    Chewing is challenging, doing most of it on the right side; the opposite side to the surgery.  With every bite taken and even on the right side, the salivary gland immediately reacts as if I were eating something sour, the reaction a sensitivity that goes into super overdrive and if I chew on that side it is even worse; actually painful.   Drinking is manageable until the cup is near empty and then apparently I lack the muscle to properly maneuver the last few dribbles available and end up ...well, dribbling!  Straws are helpful though there too depending on the straw size lack the ability to fully engage my lips with the straw!   Smiling too has a new personality, now my smile appears a little crooked, off centreat times!    A little Jim Nabors-esque, or a tiny bit Mary Lou Retton.

 

Talking...crazy as it is this has affected my talking.   Not that I talk any less, but in talking the movements of my mouth/lips may be a little awkward looking as the muscles or lack of presently,
work to form the shape of the words.   After talking for a bit my lips actually feel rather tuckered ...like they've completed some prescribed workout.   They feel like an elastic pulled to it tightest.When I haven't spoken in a while it feels like my jaw simply locks up and it's most uncomfortable and leaves my whole face feeling incredibly tense, which then follows in a massive headache.

Then just when one looks forward to tucking into bed, I lie down and yes usually beginning on my left side only to jump from the instant pain and being reminded that "oh yes, there's a scar there and it's sore and no I can't lie on that side of my face"...well, not without some very strategic thought in doing so!    It hurts from below the ear down to the base of the scar from about half way from the chin.

I know I'll be gaging whether or not some of these "Quirks" dissipate with each week passing and hope indeed all will return to "normal", whatever normal was!   I was already a Quirky sort so now I'm simply more interestingly quirky!
Those funny little things.

Scarred For Life and How sweet it is!

A NEW SCAR....I hear in my head just as though I was on Price Is Right!   It is sweet because it was a benign little tumour!   More surgery behind me, some soreness and uncomfortableness remains but really doing very well.    Being Thanks Giving weekend what I am thankful for is something I needn't even have to think about, it's just so right there in front of me and incredibly evident to me!  I will include the new scar in what I might be thankful for as it reminds me too.

I am ever so thankful for my family, all of them and even for their sometimes crazy ways, for good friends and always making more friends, food and shelter, my work, good medical care/doctors/nurses...so very much to be thankful for!

I know this scar will fade but my appreciation of all that it stands for never will!
Happy Thanks Giving everyone!    Let your heartfelt thanks shine through!   :)

P.S.: I'm not amazing, just thankful because this could have been so much worse!  This new scar really is nothing....though a great reminder of just another little bump in the road!    Now; once again I go forward!   :)

It went "Zip" when it moved, And "Bop" when it stopped And "Whirrr" when it stood still...

Dadunk, dadunk, Whirrr, whirrr, ding ding ding, ratatat, ratatat....

So much noise it's hard to focus mind wise, but I try, try to focus on crossing the street but I can't.   I try to think about the meadow, the daisies, the clover and long grass, but there's the jackhammer pounding away and then knocking.   I work and finally have found a way to be in control and simply concentrate on keeping my eyes closed, breath calmly and rhythmically and when I can take a full breath.

This MRI is quite different from my last and off to a slow start, or a restart more specifically!
My last MRI was aided by Lorazepam and under that lovely sedative I felt no fear or claustrophobic tendency at all.   

Today I am going head first into the machine; last time feet first.   In preparing to roll me in the technician has placed a cage...an umpire like mask over my face and a "shield-like" piece over my chest, gifted me a set of ear plugs and in I go!    Into the tiny tunnel.   Like a last chance to speak before a firing squad, when I hear "Are you o.k?", I jump at the opportunity to respond, "NO!", without hesitation!
I am rolled out, mask and chest piece removed and I sit up.   I apologize again and again and feel rather silly.   "So they really need this right?", I ask.    He confers, they; the surgeon and team do.   He is very patient with me and very understanding and shares that this happens often.   He does his job very well and I greatly appreciate the care he takes in putting patients at ease.   I take a few more breaths, we chat a little about the procedure, fears/feelings and then I put my game face on.   I also think about the many little ones who must have to endure this as well and how much more especially frightening it is likely to be for them.   The technician replaces the mask, the chest piece and he gently places the emergency ball in my hand, reminds me he is close by and rolls me back in.   He reminds me too, to go to my "Happy Place" and keep my eyes closed.   I give him the thumbs up.

Eyes closed I seek those places to go to within' my mind.   The meadow is always a favourite and Hubby is there too, we're having a picnic.   The noises don't bother me so much and when I can't concentrate on the meadow, they actually provide some direction to my imagination; a busy city street, construction site, birds, etc. .   Everything will be fine, 20 minutes to go with one very brief break to facilitate the dye injection.    
I CAN do this and I DID do it!    Mind over matter, but Lorazepam will be a friend in mind should we find ourselves here again!   :)

Have you never experienced an MRI, it goes a little like this...

Shazam, There's an App for that!

It's not easy slipping into the very role you knew as your own parents role...as the "older" parents.   I don't know when it happens but it does and all of a sudden you're the ones continually being taught "new school" and watching the children's body language when they are trying their best not to "sigh" with disbelief or some extent of tiredness in the teaching an old parent new tricks.    Sometimes though it must be very self assuring for them when we are in awe of what new tech skills and savvy they have!

Our beloved girl kindly set us up with Netflix with her own account and we are becoming more and more "into" it and have given up our cable connections here!   Recently while I watched one particular new favourite program and my daughter with me, a song played in the background of a scene before us.  
"Go back, rewind that!", she shouted out, "I want to know the name of that song, I'll Shazam it!".

"You'll what it?", I asked.

"I'll Shazam it!", she says as she points her PHONE at the television. Instantly I see a blue screen appear with a "swirling" action happening and then,  SHAZAM, a song title appears and she's as happy as can be!

"Cool!", I say.  

She agrees, "I know right!?" .    Right I think to myself.

In the words of Gomer Pyle, "SHAZAM"!   Who'da' thunk!?

A Line on How to Be Grateful!

Just this evening, bringing yet another basket of laundry up the stairs from the basement, I catch myself sighing, thinking, "Man, laundry is right up there with taxes and death, another sure thing!"!
I note the thought has a tone of "complaint" in it and I feel just a little ashamed for that.

I head out the back door to the deck where the clothesline awaits.   About a quarter of the way into the basket of freshly laundered fabrics I find myself quite enjoying this task at hand.  Truth be told, somehow I usually find I do.   It's not such a bad thing at all.

The clothesline in the beginning, empty, an emptiness longing to be filled!  The basket filled with fresh,  dampened clothes and linens, about to become an exhibit, a long line of visual pleasantry.   A light breeze will only add to the visual pleasure of colour, shape and form of a very routine effort that suddenly takes on a very artistically fulfilling life.

The very thing that seems like drudgery, suddenly provides grateful inspiration in what it and what it bears becomes in putting paint to canvas or words to paper!   The clothesline, Family Represent in daily life, routines, love bestowed, gifts/luxuries taken for granted.

How lovely, lucky me for I have clothes to wear, linens for beds we sleep in,  AND a line to hang them on after washing them clean with water at my own home. Then for me to enjoy a few moments watching them flap gently on a breeze and  become so happily inspired by, I am incredibly grateful and now shall write with such gratefulness upon a slip of paper and deposit it into my grateful jar.

I will confess, I may find it harder to think this way when our winters are bearing down so harshly upon us and I will most likely turn to the luxury of the modern day dryer, which too may offer some inspiring effects worthy of artistic outcomes.   If nothing artistically profound I shall then revel in the luxury of instant warmth !

Let's Talk Dirty!

Talking dirty could mean so many things, like....talking dirty in things we say that our mother's might have scolded us for, been disappointed in us for and wondering where we could have heard such things, it could mean we're avid gardener's totally sharing tips on quality soil tips for growth, perhaps we are avid vermicomposters?    Well none of those apply.  It's a confessional here.

At a time when we are hearing so much about "clean eating", yes I am here to talk dirty.    How is it I have become so conscious of when I am bucking the "clean eating" idea and about to go "dirty"?

Recently the term "clean eating" ringing in my ears, I had what I could only refer to as a "Dirty Day" of eating.    I am not the best example of a "clean eater" by any stretch of the imagination but in being conscious of my food choices; good and bad, do try to eat healthy, "junk" less and hope in the long run I will be a better example of better eating, nutrition wise and maybe even benefit my long term health.

The day I speak of was off to a good start with a bagel, thin smear of cream cheese, one cup of yogurt, and grapes.    Even Grapes have come into question as I have heard them referred to as "the dirty fruit"!  I'm learning and the learning continues as I strive to do what's best for myself and hope to influence hubby too but there is much to take in and I want to be realistic too in what I will, will want to change and what I will stick to.    Breakfast not too bad and then there was the lunch hour and as I see the establishment ahead but keep my cravings to myself it is only about 40 minutes later Hubby voices his own craving and you guessed it, the very craving I have avoided speaking of!   I am delighted and feel less guilty about my own craving for KFC in his having shared his!    It hits!  Once a year I find myself so craving the Colonels recipe and with less and less of these establishments in existence the desperation  to satisfy said craving rises!

The KFC feeding frenzy always ends the same, feeling like I need to immediately "wipe down" afterward.    Entering in, think I should have donned a dark cloak, dark glasses and proceeded with an altered voice in attempting to shroud my shame, but it's all really goooooood!

The evening, when while sitting all cozy with Hubby, watching a movie he mentions chips and ....heaven help me, pop!    There has been a couple of bottles tucked away in the depths of the "cellar way" and chips tucked into the back of the cupboard in the kitchen.   These used to be a common site on a Friday or Saturday night but now are seen about very seldomly and when announced on this night, my resistance is low.   O.K in all honesty there is NO resistance.    Coca Cola and chips.   I don't any longer truly enjoy pop, but coca cola and original chips, I revert to the crazy chip dipping in the coke behaviours!   It's been quite a day.

The "Dirty Day" behind me I go forth with a renewed desire to eat healthy and hope to make much better choices but I know I will relapse, cheat (myself), and WANT what I know is just that; a WANT, as opposed to a need; licorice, chocolate, cookies, gummi bears, etc.!     Oh heaven help me!  There is hope, right?!   Le sigh.

Into the tub....back to the 80's!

Last night following a, well, a very lazy day, somehow I really needed a long soak in an epsom infused bath!    It was a lazy day following a workout at physio for my shoulder.    I didn't touch my canvases, nor did I work at signs in the process of being produced, no house cleaning chores, nor writing blogs, updating manuscripts or ANYTHING!    I confess with some hesitation to having filled a day with ...coulda' shoulda' and just don't feel like it's!  

I hadn't intended such a lazy day or fully intended to have such a long soak in the tub, but remembered that I had this past weekend rediscovered the existence of my beloved sony walkman, which also held the much coveted Rick Springfield cassette; Working Class Dog, which necessitated a reacquaintance with both!

Oh Holy blissfulness!  It's equal to being led from a very busy city street, through a vacant alley, out into the quiet of a serene meadow.    I often have a difficult time with the attempt to indulge in a 'long soak' but this time, I let my hair down, put all thoughts aside; on average a gazillion "need to do" and of the household and daily routines nature.  
I found the meadow, right there in my bathroom....in the tub, through the retro reminiscence of sound waves travelling between ear buds in the form of great 80's vibes from heart throb Rick Springfield.  You can bet I will relish a day of hard work and accomplishments delved into simply just to justify another long soak while adorned by ear buds, walkman and retro tunes... and with Rick, so worth the wait!  Bring it!

.

That Little Ditty About Jack and Diane

It isn't summer, it's barely feeling like a spring day on this particular day, but somehow it works just as if it were a warm summer day.

When I hear just such a song I want to roll down the window, let my hair blow freely and sing like nobody is listening!
Thursday coming home from work rolling along the 401 that song streams from the car radio and it feels like a summer day many years ago and for a few short moments it feels like I am much younger.
That song is "Jack and Diane" which for some reason makes me think of summer.   In writing this post realize it may be much more than that.

This song doesn't perhaps JUST remind me of summer, but of the "spring" of my life.   Summer, the epitome of carefree, footloose, fun in the sun, friends, friendships, first loves and long lingering wonderful days.   It's feeling that sense of everything is amazing and wonderful and imagining all the wonderful to come...cruisin' carefree, an ice cold coca cola, warm rays on your face, a day at the beach, attending a great summer concert where and when it seems the world is at it's very best.

That little ditty sure has a lot of power in the joy of hearing it and while I am no longer in the spring of my years teetering on the late summer of, I do look forward to the summer ahead and more of the "summer" ahead!  Many wonderful things ahead of me and doing it all with many friends, making new friends, family and of course the love of my life!    Just around the corner yet another summer season, so jump in, roll on and crank those tunes!

The Perogy Has the Power!

It's sure been a long ol' winter and for the first time in thirty years of being married to "a Plowman" this is the first year I have actually outwardly felt some measure of despair in winter.  
I have always loved winter, love building snowmen, love making snowangels, joining the children in a gleeful dance of joy at the sight of big fluffy flakes falling in thick masses from a beautiful winter's eve sky!

Recently while preparing our dinner including a favourite little yummy in a pot full of perogies, I looked into the pot to target a scoopful of said yummies and there looking up at me, a sign, a measure of encouragement and assurance in knowing all will be well and spring is just on the horizon was a little sunshiny-like smiling face on one of the perogies.

Hope was restored and I couldn't help but smile back and then after sprinkling it with chopped green onion, a dollup of sour cream and a tiny sprinkle of real bacon sent that smiley serving of hope into my tummy!    I smiled from the inside out and knew I had the power within' to make it through the rest of the winter, no matter what it has in store!    Thank you little smilin' perogy!

His day, my day another day celebrated!

Today is our son's birthday and for that reason I am celebrating doubly!    Of course I'm excited to celebrate the amazing young man he has become, but I'm excited to be here to celebrate with him; as we did Friday night and will again tomorrow on family day!  That's right, celebrating that I AM HERE and that I am here to celebrate!

It's a day I will never forget for the blessing that the arrival of our son was and a day I can't forget 23 years after his arrival for the words that made me feel anything but blessed.    Hearing the "C" word...CANCER made my head spin, literally as I returned to my car that day in a dizzy, weak in the knees state of mind.
I am today 3 years post  cancer diagnosis.   It's been quite an adventure and while I may curse cancer's arrival to my life I may also be grateful for the focus, realizations and reflection it has brought to me!

I could go on and on but tonight I'm watching the SNL 40th Anniversary show and that alone makes me grateful ....all the years I watched it and that I am here watching it tonight!   No Way!   WAY!

In 2012 I had 122 blog entries, so on that note cancer certainly provided plenty for me to write about, the GOOD, the BAD, the UGLY and the TRIUMPH in making it through it all.   Today I know of an Incredibly courageous, determined and inspirational young girl who celebrates the end of her chemotherapy and just keeps moving forward letting cancer know, she RULES!    To that beautiful young girl and to everyone fighting the fight, keep your chin up and celebrate every day!