Friday, October 12, 2012

...So I'm 50?... where to from here and the "C" Word!

There's a fork in the road and I'm wondering which path to follow...I feel like I really need to at least go down the one I know less just to see where it leads me!   Thoughts so many thoughts and just thinking about true happiness and what that means.   When I think about being happy I picture my hubby and I on our wedding day and feeling so very happy to know from that day forward I had the most wonderful man right there by my side!   Sounds so corny I know but I really was so excited to know he was mine...and 28 years later still is and I'm feeling the very same way!   Picturing each of my children's faces makes me incredibly happy, especially thinking back to when they were very young and watching them discover the wonders all around them, including things that as grown ups we have long taken for granted and completely overlook any more!    Suddenly you find yourself rediscovering everything through your children's eyes and the world couldn't be more perfect, all over again!  They're young adults themselves now and I still find myself seeing the world through their eyes and it's still so amazing, well most days!

I had my 50th birthday recently and while that alone could make me think about so much in life, the life I've had in the past, and what lies ahead for me,  this year in addition to my 50th birthday I am celebrating just being here, as anyone should but sometimes life throws you a really fast curve ball and it REALLY makes you take a good look at what's happening and it makes your head spin.   In February I was diagnosed with melanoma and that alone changes so much and while you might think in a negative way, it has over time since then also changed much in a positive way!  Initially of course the news made my head spin and I really didn't know what to do with that news, aside from thinking, "I have to call my doctor!"!

Two surgeries; having the tracer dye injected was more painful than the surgeries themselves, one month of daily Chemo at the hospital, and in the middle of my second month of self injections done three times weekly, which will continue until next July provided my liver continues to tolerate the Interferon and I'm doing pretty good.

I have found a program which I fell head over heals for right away, but people didn't tell me about out of concern in relation to the nature of it.   "The Big C" with Laura Linney is my new favourite show and you guessed it, it is about Cancer!!!   In particular and ironically it's about a woman named Cathy...yes, with a 'C', who has been diagnosed with Melanoma!   Laura Linney's character, Cathy is Stage 4, I am Stage 3.    There are certainly moments for shedding tears in this program but it's so cleverly funny, poignant, there is such sharp wit and I love it!  If you haven't seen it, I warn you there is adult content, there is swearing, etc., but that's what makes it so exceptionally great, it's just as we are, imperfect and trying to find our way while life hurls rotten  tomatoes at us!  She is trying to figure out how to deal with her prognosis, as Stage 4 carries a much more uncertain future and one looking to ensure as much time as possible will with their oncologist seek out all options available in treatment, clinical trials etc. .    She does at first go a little to the extreme; or not at all, in how she deals with everything and then begins to see a new perspective and perhaps later another one yet.  Yes the sad parts will make me cry but I feel stronger for that in allowing for tears and then laugh out loud in the funny moments and walk away from it with a will to be as spunky and strong a fighter as Laura Linney's Cathy.
I'm only recently beginning to question just what it all means, now having gotten past the initial shock.  That's the thing, in the early days following diagnosis, seriously you can't help but wonder how much longer you have on earth and that's scary shit!   You know how they say when you think you're dying and you see your life flash before you!?  Yes.   I also couldn't help but see everything I hadn't done, wanted to do and hoped I'd get the chance!

In sorting through the emotions in dealing with this I have been painting and writing just as I once did so many years ago but of course it feels different now and the genre of how and what I am painting or writing is all new!   I also am trying to be more brave in going after new experiences and am not sure how I feel about returning to previous ones.   Time will tell!  I don't know what lies ahead, but HEY nor does anyone else!  Of course a lottery windfall would be nice, a trip somewhere beyond nice too, we'll all just have to wait and see!
It's like stimulation overload to have had melanoma happen and turn 50 all in the same year!  My thought is, well, melanoma distracted any concerns I may have had about the impending 50!   I have to take from this whatever I can and if I live to be 100 I want to be sure I've done everything I can to have had another great 50 years of life even when life throws rotten tomatoes at me!
Go ahead, "Hit me with your best Shot!"!

1 comment:

  1. I too, have begun watching The Big C - Laura Linney is awesome. As are you my dear! MWAH!!!


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