Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Day 14 - A Melting Pot of thoughts.

I begin the day feeling just completed exhausted.   I end the day feeling the very same, even having had a brief 10 minute siesta in the big comfy pleather chair at work; from 2:15 to 2:30.   It wasn't long but oh how I needed it.  I may do the same but that full half hour tomorrow before entering into the afternoon realm of child care.  The kids really tire me out!

This morning once again started off very quietly and THEN, it picked up rather suddenly!   I had the good fortune of being a volunteer for belaying training for the climbing wall!  That was cool and a bit of a rush!  First attempt I climbed about half way up, was a little "freaked out" and thought I might have to be brought down by a second climber, but was fine!  Lori the belayer trainee was great!   I did a second and third attempt and nearly made it to the final set of yellow rocks at the top, missing the opportunity to push the easy button by about three steps/rocks!   My arms were shaky; especially my bum arm = tennis elbow, and my legs were a little jello like!   This could be a brand new addiction.   It was a great distraction from my own mind and from the usual happening to occupy my mind and time on a Wednesday morning.   Immediately following my wall climb, it was time to set up the gym for Let's Get Physical, a program children and parents alike are very excited about; it really tires the kids out.   ; )

On my way home today I had the first "in-car" tears in several days.   Just a melting pot of thoughts; so much happening these days I'm surprised I'm not having daily tear fests in the car!   I stopped to pick up some items at the grocery store, including soft cat food and soft kitty treats.  Our cat Cloud seems unusually thin these days and somewhat frail in his manner and activity.  I have made an appt. with Nancy; our vet, tomorrow afternoon.
I know he is getting older but this recent change in him seems to have happened rather suddenly.  I do hope he's o.k.!   I bought the softer food just in case there are any teeth issues or such. Our son Chris brought Cloud home as a kitten, found at the petting zoo at the Port Hope Fair, I think Chris was ten years old at the time.   Cloud has been such a lovely cat, was mentored by the wonderful Lucky; R.I.P, and has mentored others since.   A great mouser, the most cuddly fellow and when really happy to cuddle likes to "nuzzle" your eye lids, or nip your brow!   Love him so.

I'm looking at the calendar and realize Monday I have an appt. with my family doctor and hope to cull some answers that were unanswered at the pre-op appt. last Friday.

Before jumping into my jammies I had run to my friends house to check on her cat.  Again I don't see the cat but actually think I may have heard her in the bedroom.   I leave a handmade notecard and joke that I wonder if there really is a cat, but I hope so, otherwise there are very hungry mice living in the house, but on the upside they appear to be litter trained!

Well, it's hump day and we're one day closer to the weekend!  YAY!   I remain exhausted so must bid you good night my dear friends; John will be telling me it's 10:00 p.m shortly.  Do you remember that on the news on a Friday night, the newscaster saying, "It's eleven o'clock do you know where your children are?", I do and my Mother instantly doing a run down of mine and my four siblings whereabouts.  Sleep well.  xo

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Day 13 - Piering to Pause

Just as expected today was a VERY busy day.  The morning started off looking like a quiet calm day, not so typical of a Tuesday.   Typical, then arrived with great furor!
My final Mother Goose wrapped up and I ended with a layout of water, fruit and yogurt and lemon crisps.  It was a wonderful group, I only feel badly as I hadn't given them their certificates!   Dope!  I will see a number of the moms and was sure to encourage a new mom who joined the group, to keep coming back!

Between program times afternoon/evening I am afforded the loveliest long overdue return to the pier at the lake and arranging my seat, fluffing the little pillow we keep in the car and pulling the super soft red and blue blanket from the back seat, settle in for what would be the next 45 minutes.  I lock the doors, just in case; I hear my Mother's voice reminding me I should be careful!  In no time I have fallen asleep, awakening to the sound of a seagull screeching and it is 4:15 p.m .   I feel such accomplishment.  The petty cash cheque for work cashed, a treat purchased at the Dutch Oven and nap at the pier with plenty of time to get to the school, I've made very good use of the time.   I want to nap there every day, but I don't get that time to be away from the centre for a break.   I reminisce about my contract days working with two very lovely little boys with Autism.   I worked one week in PH and the other in Cobourg and had a REAL lunch!  Well, off I go!

This evenings Winners went well.  Dinner, turkey pot pie loose with delicious tea biscuits and our lovely Shelley from the HKPR served up fruit kabobs and yogurt for the snack.  I had a wonderful little boy call out to me from down the hall before leaving, "Can I hug you?" and then ran and leapt into my arms with a big smile and a wrap around me kind of hug!   That, made the whole evening so very worth while!  <3
We do our cleanup, sum up the evening and all head home.
I walk in ...head upstairs and there are my jammies and our lovely feline friend Cloud; age 13, full of cuddles and snuggles.
John reminds me I have 'til 10 p.m and then it's bedtime.   I say, "Yes mastah!" ...and he is reminding me again now.   It's kind of him but I feel slightly annoyed.  I think I want a bedtime snack and a drink first.

I talked with my daughter tonight we are both looking forward to the weekend.  We need a get out and have a roaring good time kind of release!   Soon enough! ...or not nearly soon enough!  But soon.
I must call my Mom and then it's bedtime.

Day 12 The Survival Guide- Work can work

It's Monday.   I really would like a little more weekend, but "sorry" I say to myself as I climb out of bed, "You have to go to work!".
It's probably a very good thing I'm going to work otherwise this feels like it could be one of those days; return of the teary eyed!   If I were home I might be foolish enough to pop in Elton John's love songs just for the excuse to cry at great length, because I can.
Instead, it's off to work and prepare for a busy week ahead.
The day rolls out pretty good, it's busy for a Monday and I have a Mother Goose group to do for TEAM at the East High school at 12:30.   It's a good group and they seem receptive to learning the songs and actually listening to my story telling.   They are even somewhat receptive to retelling the story in a round.  I enjoy the chance to have time away from our main site, it's a distraction.
Before leaving I talk with a co-worker about things that are a little unsettling in my world these days, but don't tell her about my upcoming surgery; not the right place/time.   We hug and know we'll be fine and I'll be back next week and for three more weeks following that; I think!

On the way home I stop to check on my friends cat, there is plenty of food in her dish, litter box scooped and I sit in the centre of the floor to see if she might just take a chance and come out to see me.   She never appears. I have a few more days to try.  I check the house, bring in mail and head home.

I'm exhausted today and in conversation with my hubby express worries about things happening within the family and then, crap...the tears find their way!   Hugs...hugs are to me what chocolate is to me...I can't bear to turn one down and never want there to be an end!  Hugs are like a recipe that includes all of your favourite ingredients.   I'm going to be fine.

Tonight I have decided "for" sharing my medical status with two most wonderful friends, whom I met while with the theatre.   I value their friendship so much and just feel like I need them to know.   I'm so happy to have made that decision, it's a little more weight lifted off my shoulders.   The Whatzit gets smaller, the heart grows happier and more assured because I have these wonderful people I know I can talk with and don't have to feel cautioned of what I share in doing so.  They will be the ones I share the the laughter  with as much as I share the tears!  This is where the greatest strength comes from, having those you love right there for you...to laugh with, fall into, cry with...just be there in complete silence if needed.   They're the best you could ever imagine having in your circle.

I sit at the computer and search for my Mother Goose file and can't find it.  I produce a new one and proceed to make a collection of the many rhymes, fingerplays and songs I have done with my group, which will include words so they can refer to and learn them well long after our sessions are done.  I am up way too late doing this but spend more time on it than planned; not a surprise.   I will include in their packages, two sheets for sign language with their tots.  One a simple ASL alphabet they can practice just for fun and the other a collection of simple words to introduce ASL/Baby sign to their children and will remind them of the importance of verbal and sign combined to ensure they are encouraging both sign and verbal speech in their children's development.

An additional project tonight in putting together a sampling of photos of my younger sons design works, design sketches, fashion show photos, etc.; old and new, showing the great strides of growth in his work.  One of the moms in my session is looking to open shop by spring featuring local artisans and designers.  We have been chatting with each of her visits and she would like to see Chris' work.

Tomorrow is a busy day with as mentioned my final Mother Goose and late afternoon 4:30 to 7:30, the Winners program at St. Joes.   We haven't a large group this time 'round, but those coming out are appreciative of all the activities and we have some very crafty moms taking home as much "creative product" as their children.
Here's to an earlier bedtime tomorrow and coming home to my jammies!


Monday, February 27, 2012

Just some Happy(ness) to Go Please.

It's been a very rough couple of weeks, could I have one order of "a healthy dose of Happy with a little sunshiny heart" on the side please.   I'd just like to feel giddy with happy again sometime soon!   <3  
One can only stand feeling like I need a really good cry for so long; while I only cried briefly last night with the weight of others sadness upon my heart.   I think I've been almost cry free for close to a full week.
Yes, the #5 is perfect "Healthy dose of Happy with  a little sunshiny heart" on the side.   Thank you.
...Would you be so kind to refill my water please, sadness leaves me parched.  xo

Harry and The Terrible Whatsit


Day 11 - The Terrible Whatzit...a good name for many things!



‎"Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places."


Today has been a wonderful day in that there was no agenda and lent itself to some lovely lazy day Sunday sort of activity. Aside from going to check on a friends cat; the family is away, I went nowhere. I played a couple of very intense, fast paced rounds of scrabble with a fellow fb friend. My competitiveness came through in keeping up to his quick thinking even in the most difficult word scenarios. I took a nap between rounds and that was a very good thing. Apparently I needed it.


Today I have told a couple of friends online, most of whom I know well. One fb friend I have never met, but she is a friend to our younger son having met him when he worked in a high end furnishings store. They have remained in touch and she seems a lovely person and we have made a pact to get together. I mentioned to her as well somehow it does seem easier to bear all that this melanoma entails, the infliction itself, the waiting for procedures, etc. when you have such wonderful people around you for support. It's much less a scary beast and with that have been making reference to a story I used to read to my children, "Harry and the Terrible Whatsit"; Dick Gackenbach.



Peace, Harmony, Happiness, oooooh and a cold coca cola!





Saturday, February 25, 2012

Day 10 - Writing the wrongs

SATURDAY, Saturday, Sa-tur-day....how I love thee.  Up 'til 3:30 a.m this morning and sleeping in until 10:30  this morning, feels marvelous.   I was up posting the first 6 entries which I had written in a scribbler and have now added here.   I noticed I had capitalized "C" in The "c" Word and was compelled to change it.   Using a capital seemed so wrong...like I had somehow given "cancer" some kind of empowerment it was not deserving of, and feeling like that was a wrong that I needed to rewrite.   And so I did.   Once again letting the secret beast out and taming it's roar!
Today has been a very relaxed day with only the urgency of adding the additional posts over the course of the day and later joining Johns parents for dinner out.
At dinner we discussed melanoma and what we don't know, can't know, hope not to hear but will not imagine and agreed you are best to take one day at a time.  Next week my Father in law will have results post chemo for a spot on his lung.  I hope we will both be celebrating shortly!  He is a lovely person and while he greatly dislikes Doctors, hospitals and medical proceedings has surprised us all with his very positive outlook and attitude and even remarking on the good he has seen in the doctors and his patience in waiting the results reminds me to be patient in each of the steps necessary in dealing with the unknown.
It's only just a few short months before Christmas that we were digesting that he had cancer and our children couldn't believe what they were hearing, but it was real.   That's the thing, I have waves of  emotion that find me thinking I am simply making this all up, being dramatic...as if I were in front of a mirror acting out dramatic scenes as if auditioning for such a role on t.v, or for theatre; just as I did so often as a young kid, thinking so much about wanting to be an actress.   This time, it's no mirror act, it's the real thing.   A hard pill to swallow.
I want to scream, "There's something wrong with this picture!", or "...this role just isn't working for me!", but the only thing that will change it now, is to be blessed if you will with a clean bill following surgery, a big dose of good fortune, or a miracle. A miracle seems just what I might need when you know just how many people around you are fighting to take back their lives from the grip that is cancer.
Well, I'm ready to stop for the night, put on my fave jammies and curl up with my "Rock"...and having said that hope he is coping alright, but with his questions yesterday know he is as frightened at times as I.   I am pretty strong; certainly stronger than I have ever imagined myself to be, but my emotions beg to differ and I know I need to allow time for that too.

Day 9 - P(re-)Op Quiz and some Carefree, compliments of the Cabaret

This morning I slept in until 7:45 a.m, at which time John woke me greeting me with a coffee at bedside and making sure I was alert and ready to get ready for our appt. at the hospital.
I was ready pretty quickly and off we went, a notepad of questions, all of my prescriptions and vitamins bagged for their inspection and hoping for a breakfast treat following the appt. before returning to my duties at work.


Like most such appointments it's the "hurry up and wait" game.   But like we know as parents there were times we likely did the very same to our children-not meaning too, but it's an inevitable thing now and again in life and we know this will happen again following the surgery in waiting to hear back the results.
Mary Anne calls to me to follow her to the lab for some blood work and asks if I will find my way back to the A.C., and I assure her I will be able to.   The blood work is quick though the nurse there tells me she can see the vein but is having a difficult time pinning it down to get the needle in and even once in has to rub it/lightly pinch to get the blood flowing.
Upon return to the A.C, it's a short time before the chipper Mary Anne calls to both of us to join her.   Lots of questions, temp taken, weight; she promises to keep it confidential, height; at 5' 6", and blood pressure taken; all is good.   There are a barrage of questions which I went through following the removal of my stitches two weeks ago and they are asked yet again, answers the same!
She then has me empty out my pills/vitamins and we go through those too!
John asks what happens should the lymph nodes come back positive for further evidence of melanoma, but that question must be saved for the surgeon to answer she says.   We are welcome to call and ask specific questions, but I'm really not sure I want to ask at this point.  The other question, will I need more than the weekend to recover from the surgery?   It takes place on the Friday and I figure I'll be back on Monday, she refers to the surgeon again.    Oh well, we shall see.
My next appt. is with my own doctor, Mar. 5th and to have the medical history completed and faxed to the hospital on completion of that visit.
John wishes to take me to Wimpy's for a good breakfast but I suggest we make do with a quicky; he,he...breakfast...the meal, at McDonald's and I should then make my way to work, it's nearly circle time.
John relinquishes and that's what we do.  I would love to stall as today is going to be a long day and as it turns out, even longer than I think.
Thank heaven for Friday...despite the long day it ends with a wonderful night with hubby, our beautiful daughter and her fiance as we attend the Northumberland Players production of Cabaret!   No time for me to have dinner with the late departure from work, but I fill up on the music and feast for the eyes that the set, costumes, dancing and fabulous cast are!   All the months of work pay off; as always, in such a stunning show!   Kudos to the cast and crew in their Fabulous evening of entertainment!   One can quickly forget their cares at Cabaret!...so very happily!  :)

Day 8 - The burden gets lighter

Today went very well.   I enjoyed our training day and had a chance to speak with the teacher with whom I will be working with and at some point in the conversation felt comfortable enough to tell her what was happening when she arrived last week.  I know she must surely have noticed the upset and small gathering outside the room upon her arrival.   Each time I share it feels a little less dark and menacing and I can't help but feel a stronger and stronger sense of positive thoughts.
I always look forward to Thursday evenings, somehow more than Friday there is the build of relief in knowing just one more day before the freedom of the weekend will be upon us.   That coupled with the chance to be home and talk more openly among ourselves about what lies ahead and without the concern of curious onlookers in the event I crumble again is such a great comfort.  
Tomorrow though John will accompany me to the Pre-Op Assessment Clinic at the hospital.   He has taken the day off...though not I.   He will take me for a "treat" after before I must return to my duties.

Day 7 - Happy Thoughts and Brotherly love

Today marks one week since I entered into the world of cancer ...up close and personal.   Today has gone fairly well, nothing really to complain about...o.k, I'm sure there's something but just the "ordinary" complaints; re: I'm tired, I wish I had more time at home, I'd like to start painting our bedroom, the day feels long, what did I bring for lunch today...etc.!   The "c" word steals the ability to whine about the crazy mundane little things and REALLY makes you think about what you really have a beef with...the possibility that one might have less time to complain about the mundane!   ...but let's not go that route, it's just not fathomable and at this point just wastes time, when all I need is positivity and good vibes!
I called my brother tonight and he did get my message about the cookies beneath the bbq cover and did enjoy them; all to himself!   My note however seems to have been gifted to the winds and carried off and away.  We talked about his snowmobile adventures, well, the lack of this year, but that he did very recently enjoy a trip to the north...finding the snow at Paudash and Cardiff.  I love the sound of a trip along forested trails in the snow...the hum of the snowmobiles and holding on tight as the winds nip at you along the way.
I remember my brother's first snowmobile; a Rupp and loving the opportunity to have a quick trip on the north road at Elizabethville to Oak Hill and back.   There in too lies a fave memory from home there in Elizabethville...snowy winter nights and snowmobilers driving past and as they did of course it interfered with the tv reception, but thankfully only momentarily!
Eventually I tell him about the melanoma and he knews some information about that and I remind him; as our Mom would, to have any moles checked regularly.   My brother is a freckle covered curly top red head!  He asks my surgical date and a couple of other questions and wishes me well in the outcome and we'll talk again soon.  Now each of my family knows and the 'secret beast' seems somehow less threatening!  Reminds me of a children's story, "Harry and the Terrible Whatsit!"; Dick Gackenbach, which my children may recall me reading to them when they were very young.


I don't tell someone tonight when we have time together because it seems unnecessary to bring up the topic as they prepare for a wonderful carefree holiday.   I will let them know later so don't wish to post anything here until I know they are well on their way to paradise far away and free of any electronic cares!
It's been a pretty good day overall.   Tomorrow is a training day once again at the United Way offices and I am ready and know I will be fine this week.   We won't have to talk about the melanoma at all; they found out last week as you may have read, and the day will be a positive focus on an upcoming program we will be doing in a kindergarten class for ten weeks.  That 's exciting and I will welcome the change in pace.

Day 6 - Tearful, gives way to Nausea

My younger sister calls me this morning, wanting to share with me what she's read online.  I understand she wants to feel helpful and as she said she really didn't know much about Melanoma.  I have been reading a few sites and  have learned plenty more than I already thought I knew.   I did promise the doctor not to find myself in chat rooms discussing Melanoma, for obvious reasons.   Too many people think they are somehow experts and think they have all the answers but I know each case is so unique in it's nature and in how that varies so greatly.


I drove to my brother's house this afternoon, and I did well; that is no tears in the car today-little victories get noticed these days.  Now I'm finding I have waves of fear which make me feel nauseous.   If you were to jump into my car and turn the ignition on there is a very good chance you would immediately find yourself reaching to turn down the radio.   The tunes are played a little louder these days and I sing a little louder while in the car.  It is helpful...I can't hear my own thoughts-and presently, that's a very good thing.
Upon arriving at my brother's I notice his truck is there, but then quickly find the house and garage all locked up and the truck is too.   I have cookies I baked for him and left them under the bbq cover with a note!   I will drive down Bolton St. to view the lake spotted with bright colours afforded by many ice huts.   I take a photo and drive on.   Tomorrow I will call Tommy, we'll talk then.
Somehow the tears don't come as easily now, but  instead waves of a nauseousness, the fear of the unknown . I'll have to work on this.
I bake cookies tonight and after having a visit with our daughter on route back to Toronto with her fiance, I deliver some to the theatre to the green room for the cast and crew to indulge in.   Once again I fear that I might somehow end up 'crumbling' on the utterance of some word or gesture, etc. so am happy to find the cast and crew; for the most part, are on stage or front of house.   I feel safe in controling my emotions long enough to say hello to the costume designer and tell her the cookies are there.  I am in and out and happy for another tear free day.  I haven't turned into a cold hard bitch, and certainly would ABSOLUTELY love to see these wonderful marvelous people; thank you Phoebe Gillman, whom I have not seen in some time.  Remember I missed the great gathering of lovelies recently in Grafton.  It's that I don't know how long I'm good for without turning into a blubbering mess upon a "trigger" word, question, moment, etc. and would very much like to spare everyone and myself from just such a moment...and they are deep into rehearsals and opening day just a couple of rehearsal's away!

Day 5 - One Ringy Dingy...Two Ringy Dingy...

It's a lay low kind of day, well...all phone calls aside.   Each of my sister's now knows and with each person knowing it's like having put a safety net in place keeping in mind the very slight possibility that in the end following surgery and the results I may need that safety net, or cocoon around me to help.   I am thinking positive. I managed to keep it pretty together in telling each sister, with only tiny snippits of choking back tears or gathering myself following a brief "takeover" by those powerful and persistent emotions.
I only need tell my brother now, when it comes to letting family know and then one day at a time and sharing when a moment allows and seems appropriate.
Between calls with/from my sister's  I have taken on an organizing task in the little back room; computer room and find satisfaction in doing that as well as knowing tomorrow will be a get out of the house day.  I'm going to need it.
Dinner tonight was the Three Fondue Buffet; quite possibly inspired by a recent brief stop at the Ontario Early Years one evening to drop off a package to the staff there, it was a special night out for centre Moms and they were all gathered 'round a rather delicious looking spread of food!   Spread out in a feast-like manner Swiss cheese and crusty loaf, Beef, and chocolate fondue with blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, blackberries, and pineapple and wine adorned our dinner table.  One must celebrate the numbing factor of wine and in my case it only takes just a little more than one glass!
Overall the tears did flow less again today.   A good night and I'm exhausted  and am certain to find sleep without labouring at it.

Day 4 - A Dog, Cookies n' Milk and parties missed.

It's my 1 in 8 Saturday Shift.   I must go to work.   Before I have even left John is called out for road duty.   I wonder will I see him when I return home.
Saturday means working with the younger set...the students and hearing of their "Good times" planned and those already having happened.  My shift ends at 12:30 which could actually translate to 1 p.m., with tidying, a couple of phone calls returned from messages received and such.
I make it through the morning.  I feel victorious today in having driven to work and home without tears.  I stop at the Shopper's Drug Mart with the intention of buying a bag of Oreos, I feel a dunk fest coming on.  I rarely buy cookies and today I buy four boxes; all on sale.  It's a three alarm craving apparently!
I arrive home to be greeted by our lovely dog Dash, after a quick snack we crash on the sofa.  We are in and out of a sleep state while the channel on the tv is showing the movie Sweet November.   Honestly couldn't  I have picked a sadder movie...I am thankful to miss the majority of it to sleep.
While outside walking with Dash sometime later John finds us, he is driving a small sander.  He departs again with the assurance we'll see him in about a half hour.   It's more than an hour when he is finally home again.
Home again for no more than twenty five minutes I'm sure and just as we finish our chilli and buns he is called away again.   He returns for the evening about two hours later and is needing sleep soon after his coming home this evening.
This night was to be such fun in joining so many wonderful lovelies at a friends home for a Family Day celebration and sure to include meeting many new friends!   Wednesday unfortunately is so fresh still and while I want to have a little fun to grasp for a while, I do not wish to end up in a corner with well meaning people gathered round to make me feel better or to share in my sadness.   The emotions take control when and where they so decide and I can't risk having them creep into the party and crash it!  Had John not been on call and could have driven to the party with me, I might have gone and joined in if only for an hour and a half or so.   Who knows what the emotional trigger might have been, but I know without any bit of doubt that those friends and even new acquaintances would be nothing less than supportive, understand and most caring. I almost feel guilty for not having gone.
Dash is good company, cookies and milk make for a great "fix" but parties missed are just that, parties missed and a longing to have fun and enjoy the company of people you have come to feel so at home with and yes, even feel they are part of your "rock"!

Day 2 - The shortest distance from pt. A to pt. B

Routine is the part of any morning that helps all go smoothly and this becomes that much more important this morning in making everything seem just as "normal" as any day.  No need for thought, just do what you always do.  I flow from one task to the next.    Washing for the day; having showered the night before, turn on the radio, plug in the straightener ; in order I may tame the unleashed and wild bangs in particular, dress, turn on the radio downstairs for our dog Dash; because the cats may choose to ignore him all day and the radio is some company.
I grab my coat and soon am out the door.  All goes quite well, I'm just fine!  ...until I drive off in the direction of work. Driving home the day before was not easy...ten minutes of unabashed crying.
The car is the most terrifying place to find myself alone these days.  Even the 5 minute stretch of highway between Port Hope and Cobourg is far too long a drive, though a much better choice than the additional 5 minutes it takes on Hwy. # 2.   I am desperate for background noise and must have the radio or a cd on, but even they cannot drown out the overwhelming volume of my own thoughts.
I'm o.k all day at work, though the second most frightening place is in the washroom cubicle.   How sad is this picture...a grown woman sitting upon the toilet working really hard to push back emotions that insist on finding their way to the surface.   Talking about "working hard" and "pushing" in the same sentence as the word "cubicle" had you wondering just where my thoughts were going didn't it!?  LOL...but there you go, the washroom becomes a frightening place!   Like I don't already hold "it" enough!
I was doing pretty good today and kept it together for the most part, then was asked if I could stay later, but I replied no, "I simply cannot today." .

Day 3 - The Telling Days

Last night we Skyped our two younger children, they share an apt. .  We had hoped they could both come home  on the weekend but our son is not able to.   I will feel much better knowing each of them knows...let the "secret beast" out and you become the greater power.  It certainly isn't something you ever imagine telling anyone.  Our son and daughter had some inkling something was up due to my having asked our son if he might be able to make it home this weekend, knowing he is working two jobs now and that wasn't a choice he could make.   There were tears and we ended the call with them sharing a hug...which did my heart so much good knowing they will be there for each other.


This morning started off as usual with routine rolling along and then suddenly without warning the tears began and I hadn't even found myself in the car yet.   This was additional minutes for teary eyes beyond the 5 minute drive to Cobourg in said condition.
Upon arriving at my destination...this morning at the United Way offices for a staff training event for a few of us. I thought I had pulled it together but proved myself wrong.   Upon entering the room and someone asking if everything was alright...yes, I crumbled.
Did I mention I work with some of the most supportive and understanding people ever?  They gave me the time I needed, to talk, to calm and then I returned to the room and went on with the rest of the day.
The evening would be a little harder, or I thought so as I headed to my parents to tell them about my latest adventure.   I pulled myself together and decided I would put on my strongest unafraid and confident all will be well front.   It was successful and while of course concerned they too held it together well.   I have had enough tears and breakdowns already and really needed to feel together if only briefly and if only in helping them to as well...for a short time!

The "c" word - Day 1

If you came to read this blog because I mentioned the "c" word, I might say you're dirty minded, but actually you're more likely just curious and truly I wish it was that word that I was talking about.   That "c" word is more often than not considered vulgar, and once in auditioning for a play I chose a part to read because it had THAT "c" word in it, I was afraid of it and thought it so crude, so harsh, when actually the "c" word I'm going to talk about really seems an equal in the impact it has on one when you say it and yes one immediate reaction is fear and disbelief.
Today Wednesday Feb. 15th, 2012; also my son's birthday,  seems certain to be one of the days I'd like to forget but likely one you can't help but remember.  For him for his birthday today, I will remind him how much he is loved and wish him a day of so many good wishes and will share the unimaginable news I have received sometime later on.
   I was in stitches just prior to the moment I'd like to forget. That's right, actual stitches in my back for what one assumed was a rather boring and minor removal of a mole.  This time is most definitely like none before.  The very handsome Doctor removing my stitches; approx. 6 total, uttered quietly but clearly to me that, "Well Cathy this was more serious than just a mole, it is Melanoma; Cancer.".  Just the words one never tries to imagine hearing.  One feels a little numb and it's a bit surreal and I then imagine myself an actor in a dramatic role, rehearsing for a production.
  Me, playing me but this was not a rehearsal and I don't care much for my lines.   These lines are not the ones you have rehearsed, they just happen.  Thank heaven's for hunky doctors, it does help!   LOL!  Though I forgot my lines; as if in a movie and when I should have been saying, "Oh Doctor" (whilst batting my eyelashes), I simply say, "It is?", not at all like the movies!  I should have pinched myself and then I might have wakened up.  Or requested we do a game of the many other "C" words that one might have enjoyed much more!   I return to the waiting area where they instantly have you fill out a medical questionnaire, go over it with you, hand you some papers with a preset surgical date and pre-op date on it and then send you on your way..."See you soon.".    And you're out!
...And once I'm outside walk nervously and rather sedately back to my car.  I head back to work, wondering how one proceeds from here.  Then the tears come.   From this morning on being in the car alone for any venture more than 5 minutes just isn't fathomable. I set up an appointment with my family doctor while sitting in my car, in the parking lot, wondering just how to continue my day, actually go to work and then go home to tell my husband; John, how my day went..  I made up my mind I simply had to, only because I didn't know what else to do.   My boss' car was not there, so going to her office wasn't an option. I headed in as per normal, prepared to carry on, do a circle time, sing, be happy with the little ones over their amazing creativity at the craft table and just be "normal"!
Later my boss comes through, asks about the appt. and knows by my look and I can't hide it and crumble.  She calls for a friend/colleague of ours who has walked in these shoes and we gather in her office to talk.  I can't go home, there is no-one there and I do feel I need to carry on and fulfill my afternoon duties in Child Care, where staff shortages are an ongoing challenge for the Supervisor.   I tidy up, pinch my cheeks for optimal colouring and head off to do my job.
On my return home that day, I tell John; hubby, as soon as we are both in the door.   I cry and he is my rock and tells me I'll be fine and we hold each other for several moments.
At dinner we tell our eldest son.   I am thankful he brings some humour to the table, mentioning he knows someone who is researching availability and benefits to medicinal marijuana!  It's good to share a laugh; I say I'll be keeping that in mind.
We both go to bed at 10 P.M, unusually early for me and I sleep well until I awaken just after 2 a.m., make a trip to the loo and return to bed to lie awake, while trying so hard to go to sleep only to be distracted by my silent meandering oh so very loud and obnoxious thoughts. Each thought as if waste in a galaxy orbiting in outer space in slow motion.  Tears come easily, John wakens pulls me close and whispers "You're going to be just fine.", kisses my forehead and wraps his arm around me.   Eventually I give myself to sleep, at last.

...Where you never imagine you'll be - The "c" Word.

From Feb. 15th,  I have been writing every day.   That I write every day may not seem like a big deal, but presently for me it is a very big deal.   Many people write daily, including my Dad, as a friend attested to just yesterday, if nothing else he will have recorded the days weather.  I do like to write but have never imagined that I might one day be writing because I am suddenly one of so many included in a specific group of people, those who fall into the "c" category, writing about the "C" word; Cancer.  I have Melanoma.
I may just end up being one of the lucky ones but like everyone else there is much waiting in truly knowing where you stand in your full diagnosis.    March 9th I will have surgery where the surgeon will do a large excision and a sentinel lymph node biopsy and if I am lucky, that will be the last of it...the melanoma will have been eradicated.   I will know one week to ten days following the surgery.
There is a post for each day since Feb. 15th.
From where I am, it's a "circus" of emotions, all over the map and the "c" word is everything you never wanted to feel.
I like that, a "circus" of emotions.




It's real.

Cold bites at my feet, I shiver.
Everyone is near, but I feel alone.
Sorrow  calls again.
There must be a mistake, because this doesn't feel real.
My son is right, Cancer is a bitch.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Numb

That moment.
Numb, numbness.
Hearing but there is silence.
Speaking but mute.
A freeze frame, and when there is movement, slow motion.
I cannot grasp it, everything changes.
They talk and point and question.
I follow but not knowing where I go.
How to do tomorrow, how to do the next moment.
My heart sinks.
Numb.

Sometimes you just gotta!

Speaking of shoes and the next thing, someone named Chuck Taylor is suddenly part of the conversation and I think,  "Whose Chuck?...