Yep, I'm officially 50! I received a letter from Cancer Care Ontario today to remind me that once I reach 50 my risk for Colorectal Cancer rises!
It's o.k, I've had this discussion with my family doctor last year, she made a point of it after glancing down at my medical file. Since so much has happened since then and I've been through a barrage of medical tests it hardly seems much to get worked up about. My hubby has already had this test as he is just a tad ahead of me in birthdays and it really wasn't so bad. I had him all set up and comfy for the pre-test preps and I think that is the hardest part! That part starts out slowly and then of course everything changes very quickly...lots of 'urgent' trips to the lieu! He was set up in the room closest to said location. With only one lieu available, he was of course given priority in availability!
On one hand it's like crossing some kind of border into a new foreign land, hearing so much about it but not truly knowing just what to expect with this new MAGICAL land called "50". On the other there is the thought that "Wow" I'm here and I think I should feel privileged, wise; in some degree, and it does in fact scare me a little because of course there is much reflection to be seen from here. I think I'll grab the world by the 'hiny' and get what I can out of the next several years even if it includes 'Age Privileged' medical testing in ensuring the extension of my physical existence!
Well, here's to turning 50 and receiving additional Birthday Wishes of sorts. If you are going to be turning this magic number soon, keep this in mind. For more information please go to:
ontario.ca/coloncancercheck or call, toll free at 1-866-662-9233
Take care of yourself!
: ]
Monday, October 15, 2012
Wind swept meanderings...I'm under the influence!
This morning; late, just after getting up for the day and about to shower I peer out the bathroom window and see a woman in the parking lot at the Legion next door. This is not so unusual as there is always someone walking a dog or setting up for some event there, etc., but she has no dog and I try to decide if her meandering is just that or she is under the influence; of something we all wish we had!
I couldn't help but feel a sense of mystery, intrigue and my imagination was spurred on!
There she was, all dressed in black, a black dress, black stockings and black, heeled shoes. The bottom of the dress was of alternating lengths of long and short; like arranged handkerchiefs, which fluttered and waved so eloquently in the wind. Walking onto the gravel road leaving the parking lot and leading up past our house, I noted she wore the large maroon shawl or scarf draped around her shoulders. She was raising it above her head and in circular motion then brought it down around herself and back onto her shoulders. Such a dance, as the light fabric lifted and fell again gracefully and wildly. Her steps looked a little awkward and I wondered if she was just enjoying a very slow "meander" or that she was as I said under the influence of one form or another and perhaps influenced by the wonderful winds that blow today.
I teetered on whether or not to step out and offer assistance but she was doing fine, just not completely convincing in the manner with which she took each step. Her legs awkwardly criss crossed in very slow, almost sideways but still forward steps. She might wonder if I was well had I given the opportunity for my being judged as well. My hair not done, in my bath robe and not well put together at that point.
I thought about what it all meant. Was she in a distraught state of mind and feeling completely depleted? Was she preparing to bid someone near and dear farewell at a service later this morning. Maybe I was even a little envious of the way she so free spiritedly moved and let herself be taken in by the wind and just letting go! If she wasn't burdened with great sadness, maybe she was actually in a state of emotional relief and didn't care to be hurried any longer and simply in some form of blissful thought, caring less about everything.
Whatever her thoughts, state of being I hope she's alright and maybe the wind simply just inspired a sense of carefree. That's what it's doing to me this morning, despite my knowing I have many tasks at hand and a couple of them involve being timely in their completion! Oh well I am finishing lunch and then taking a few minutes; if not longer, to linger outdoors throwing my cares to the wind! I can't wait and I must give thanks to the young woman's inspiration this morning. I know we all get so caught up in our busy busy little worlds and need be reminded to just stop and smell the flowers, breath, dance, jump in a puddle, feel the wind, be a little carefree now and again! Go on, let go!
xo
I couldn't help but feel a sense of mystery, intrigue and my imagination was spurred on!
There she was, all dressed in black, a black dress, black stockings and black, heeled shoes. The bottom of the dress was of alternating lengths of long and short; like arranged handkerchiefs, which fluttered and waved so eloquently in the wind. Walking onto the gravel road leaving the parking lot and leading up past our house, I noted she wore the large maroon shawl or scarf draped around her shoulders. She was raising it above her head and in circular motion then brought it down around herself and back onto her shoulders. Such a dance, as the light fabric lifted and fell again gracefully and wildly. Her steps looked a little awkward and I wondered if she was just enjoying a very slow "meander" or that she was as I said under the influence of one form or another and perhaps influenced by the wonderful winds that blow today.
I teetered on whether or not to step out and offer assistance but she was doing fine, just not completely convincing in the manner with which she took each step. Her legs awkwardly criss crossed in very slow, almost sideways but still forward steps. She might wonder if I was well had I given the opportunity for my being judged as well. My hair not done, in my bath robe and not well put together at that point.
I thought about what it all meant. Was she in a distraught state of mind and feeling completely depleted? Was she preparing to bid someone near and dear farewell at a service later this morning. Maybe I was even a little envious of the way she so free spiritedly moved and let herself be taken in by the wind and just letting go! If she wasn't burdened with great sadness, maybe she was actually in a state of emotional relief and didn't care to be hurried any longer and simply in some form of blissful thought, caring less about everything.
Whatever her thoughts, state of being I hope she's alright and maybe the wind simply just inspired a sense of carefree. That's what it's doing to me this morning, despite my knowing I have many tasks at hand and a couple of them involve being timely in their completion! Oh well I am finishing lunch and then taking a few minutes; if not longer, to linger outdoors throwing my cares to the wind! I can't wait and I must give thanks to the young woman's inspiration this morning. I know we all get so caught up in our busy busy little worlds and need be reminded to just stop and smell the flowers, breath, dance, jump in a puddle, feel the wind, be a little carefree now and again! Go on, let go!
xo
Friday, October 12, 2012
...So I'm 50?... where to from here and the "C" Word!
There's a fork in the road and I'm wondering which path to follow...I feel like I really need to at least go down the one I know less just to see where it leads me! Thoughts so many thoughts and just thinking about true happiness and what that means. When I think about being happy I picture my hubby and I on our wedding day and feeling so very happy to know from that day forward I had the most wonderful man right there by my side! Sounds so corny I know but I really was so excited to know he was mine...and 28 years later still is and I'm feeling the very same way! Picturing each of my children's faces makes me incredibly happy, especially thinking back to when they were very young and watching them discover the wonders all around them, including things that as grown ups we have long taken for granted and completely overlook any more! Suddenly you find yourself rediscovering everything through your children's eyes and the world couldn't be more perfect, all over again! They're young adults themselves now and I still find myself seeing the world through their eyes and it's still so amazing, well most days!
I had my 50th birthday recently and while that alone could make me think about so much in life, the life I've had in the past, and what lies ahead for me, this year in addition to my 50th birthday I am celebrating just being here, as anyone should but sometimes life throws you a really fast curve ball and it REALLY makes you take a good look at what's happening and it makes your head spin. In February I was diagnosed with melanoma and that alone changes so much and while you might think in a negative way, it has over time since then also changed much in a positive way! Initially of course the news made my head spin and I really didn't know what to do with that news, aside from thinking, "I have to call my doctor!"!
Two surgeries; having the tracer dye injected was more painful than the surgeries themselves, one month of daily Chemo at the hospital, and in the middle of my second month of self injections done three times weekly, which will continue until next July provided my liver continues to tolerate the Interferon and I'm doing pretty good.
I have found a program which I fell head over heals for right away, but people didn't tell me about out of concern in relation to the nature of it. "The Big C" with Laura Linney is my new favourite show and you guessed it, it is about Cancer!!! In particular and ironically it's about a woman named Cathy...yes, with a 'C', who has been diagnosed with Melanoma! Laura Linney's character, Cathy is Stage 4, I am Stage 3. There are certainly moments for shedding tears in this program but it's so cleverly funny, poignant, there is such sharp wit and I love it! If you haven't seen it, I warn you there is adult content, there is swearing, etc., but that's what makes it so exceptionally great, it's just as we are, imperfect and trying to find our way while life hurls rotten tomatoes at us! She is trying to figure out how to deal with her prognosis, as Stage 4 carries a much more uncertain future and one looking to ensure as much time as possible will with their oncologist seek out all options available in treatment, clinical trials etc. . She does at first go a little to the extreme; or not at all, in how she deals with everything and then begins to see a new perspective and perhaps later another one yet. Yes the sad parts will make me cry but I feel stronger for that in allowing for tears and then laugh out loud in the funny moments and walk away from it with a will to be as spunky and strong a fighter as Laura Linney's Cathy.
I'm only recently beginning to question just what it all means, now having gotten past the initial shock. That's the thing, in the early days following diagnosis, seriously you can't help but wonder how much longer you have on earth and that's scary shit! You know how they say when you think you're dying and you see your life flash before you!? Yes. I also couldn't help but see everything I hadn't done, wanted to do and hoped I'd get the chance!
In sorting through the emotions in dealing with this I have been painting and writing just as I once did so many years ago but of course it feels different now and the genre of how and what I am painting or writing is all new! I also am trying to be more brave in going after new experiences and am not sure how I feel about returning to previous ones. Time will tell! I don't know what lies ahead, but HEY nor does anyone else! Of course a lottery windfall would be nice, a trip somewhere beyond nice too, we'll all just have to wait and see!
It's like stimulation overload to have had melanoma happen and turn 50 all in the same year! My thought is, well, melanoma distracted any concerns I may have had about the impending 50! I have to take from this whatever I can and if I live to be 100 I want to be sure I've done everything I can to have had another great 50 years of life even when life throws rotten tomatoes at me!
Go ahead, "Hit me with your best Shot!"!
xo
I had my 50th birthday recently and while that alone could make me think about so much in life, the life I've had in the past, and what lies ahead for me, this year in addition to my 50th birthday I am celebrating just being here, as anyone should but sometimes life throws you a really fast curve ball and it REALLY makes you take a good look at what's happening and it makes your head spin. In February I was diagnosed with melanoma and that alone changes so much and while you might think in a negative way, it has over time since then also changed much in a positive way! Initially of course the news made my head spin and I really didn't know what to do with that news, aside from thinking, "I have to call my doctor!"!Two surgeries; having the tracer dye injected was more painful than the surgeries themselves, one month of daily Chemo at the hospital, and in the middle of my second month of self injections done three times weekly, which will continue until next July provided my liver continues to tolerate the Interferon and I'm doing pretty good.
I have found a program which I fell head over heals for right away, but people didn't tell me about out of concern in relation to the nature of it. "The Big C" with Laura Linney is my new favourite show and you guessed it, it is about Cancer!!! In particular and ironically it's about a woman named Cathy...yes, with a 'C', who has been diagnosed with Melanoma! Laura Linney's character, Cathy is Stage 4, I am Stage 3. There are certainly moments for shedding tears in this program but it's so cleverly funny, poignant, there is such sharp wit and I love it! If you haven't seen it, I warn you there is adult content, there is swearing, etc., but that's what makes it so exceptionally great, it's just as we are, imperfect and trying to find our way while life hurls rotten tomatoes at us! She is trying to figure out how to deal with her prognosis, as Stage 4 carries a much more uncertain future and one looking to ensure as much time as possible will with their oncologist seek out all options available in treatment, clinical trials etc. . She does at first go a little to the extreme; or not at all, in how she deals with everything and then begins to see a new perspective and perhaps later another one yet. Yes the sad parts will make me cry but I feel stronger for that in allowing for tears and then laugh out loud in the funny moments and walk away from it with a will to be as spunky and strong a fighter as Laura Linney's Cathy.
I'm only recently beginning to question just what it all means, now having gotten past the initial shock. That's the thing, in the early days following diagnosis, seriously you can't help but wonder how much longer you have on earth and that's scary shit! You know how they say when you think you're dying and you see your life flash before you!? Yes. I also couldn't help but see everything I hadn't done, wanted to do and hoped I'd get the chance!
In sorting through the emotions in dealing with this I have been painting and writing just as I once did so many years ago but of course it feels different now and the genre of how and what I am painting or writing is all new! I also am trying to be more brave in going after new experiences and am not sure how I feel about returning to previous ones. Time will tell! I don't know what lies ahead, but HEY nor does anyone else! Of course a lottery windfall would be nice, a trip somewhere beyond nice too, we'll all just have to wait and see!
It's like stimulation overload to have had melanoma happen and turn 50 all in the same year! My thought is, well, melanoma distracted any concerns I may have had about the impending 50! I have to take from this whatever I can and if I live to be 100 I want to be sure I've done everything I can to have had another great 50 years of life even when life throws rotten tomatoes at me!
Go ahead, "Hit me with your best Shot!"!
xo
Friday, September 21, 2012
Music to your Ears? Alfie-Cat is still deciding!
Watching a clip from X Factor that a friend had posted I thought I'd share this with you here-not quite so inspiring; setting, etc., but it was impromptu. I do love to sing, at this point mostly around the house, in the shower and when in the car. I need to brave up, I'm turning the big Five O' very soon and with things that have happened in the last several months, it's like a wake up call to do what you really want NOW! Fear is likely the only thing holding me back, it's time to buck up and get past the fear!!!
This was a few months back and the second video I have shared but hidden away in the mass of youtube videos. The first a practice run for a competition to sing at the Roger's Cup. The video posted then saw my cat Alfie jump up on me while singing Oh Canada-which perhaps one day I shall sing at an event!? It's on the 'B' list!
This time I thought I'd brave up and try singing another song and who should come along again, ...Alfie Cat! I'm trying to decide whether he appreciates or does not appreciate it when I sing!?
Hmmmmm!?
I hope you find it at least somewhat pleasant and it doesn't hurt your ears!
http://youtu.be/sB_lPkn4CKg
Every Day is a winding road, I get a little bit closer...the "c" word Day 218
Holy Autumn, we're about to enter into October!!! I'm o.k with that, I love the fall and winter doesn't scare me either! Love the cooler seasons! This is premiere 'grab the camera, jump in the car let's go for a drive and maybe stop somewhere for a little treat and who knows where we'll end up' time of the year! It kind of feels like a 'falling in love' all over every year, when while the crazy world goes on; as one sees/reads in the news, there is a beautiful world happening all around us that allows us to believe the very best and feel so wonderful in taking it all in! I'm ready to 'stoke the fire'; even if it's only a little electric cast iron remake, make the hot chocolate and don a favourite slightly oversized cozy sweater and curl up next to my honey! I'm not opposed to jumping into a very large pile of leaves or a walk in the aroma of an Autumn evening's crisp air.
At this point I begin to contemplate a return to work, but try not to let it be the focus of my daily thoughts because it kind of stresses me out a bit. I did have visits with many of our centre families and staff this week for our annual trip event to the Burnham Family Farm Market and very much enjoyed seeing everyone! It might have been just what I didn't know I needed. Buying a little produce, including homemade fudge just added to how good I felt that morning! I WAS only buying one block of fudge when the girl mentioned the buy two get one for free! She didn't know how very aware of that deal I was and have been for a very long time AND have caved before! I had thought I could get past the idea this time! LOL, I should have known better! I am happy to report I wrapped two of the blocks and have frozen them! If my daughter should read my blogs she is sure to show up soon and I will happily send some away with her! : )
I am two weeks into a new prescription for what began a year ago as indigestion/heartburn and now may be stress related. I am hoping it subsides in the next two weeks or there is likely to be a 'scope' involved. A scope...a scope, that just doesn't sound like any form of fun that I'd like to be a part of!!!! I had contacted my Oncologists office and a nurse returned my call to say that my oncologist didn't feel it was related to my Interferon injections but I should get an appointment with my family doctor and have it checked. I did and hence the prescription for Tecta, another form of the Panto prazole I was previously on, but with magnesium versus sodium this time. What I experience is the sensation of very dire hunger, though there is a difference in that there isn't any growling of the stomach and it hurts much more and makes one feel ill. It occurs even right after having eaten a meal and experiencing the sense of being full! For one afternoon this week I thought it had gone only to have the effects return. My doctor feels it is most likely stress related, in light of the treatments and everything I've been going through. I hang on!
Today I drove to Oshawa. Not a big deal but it's been some time; June, since I have driven myself that far....alone! I was off to Lakeridge Health to pick up my next round of Interferon. I was thrilled to use the handy dandy travel kit they give you for the medication, with it's own ice pack etc. and tucked in my constant companion water bottle! Off I go! I was happy to have additional tunes on cd in the car to occupy my thoughts and keep me singing!
After picking up my prescription I did as I had on my way into the hospital and scanned the cafeteria crowd for a friend of mine and her husband. I briefly thought to myself that they could have been here much earlier or perhaps had much later appointments, and then ta-da there they were! Her husband was facing my direction and waved! I was pretty pleased with myself then that I had looked for them! She is getting her treatment underway very soon. We had a good visit as they had just finished lunch and I was packing a dutchie bun and chocolate milk from the Auxillary cafe!
While we chatted I took the opportunity to pay forward the very helpful information a friend of mine had thoughtfully shared with myself as my husband and I headed into such a very different chain of events one is never prepared for following my diagnosis and preparation for treatment.
Tomorrow it's off to Toronto to wish my son Chris well as he heads to Boston next week for the Boston Fashion Week where he is a featured designer; one of only two Canadians to be INVITED! Pretty cool! My sister will accompany me on the train and we'll have a little "girl" time and time with my son before he heads off! We wish we were going to be there to cheer him on, but it's not possible at this time. I know Chris is very thankful for the support he has received in ensuring he CAN go to Boston, but John and I have to express our thanks too, as we have been watching as this drew closer and closer to actually happening and wish to extend our very heartfelt appreciation in the generousity people have shown in helping make this dream opportunity actually happen!
Well that's a lot for you to read, but if you're still here, I thank you for listening and being here as as I rambled on! I'm going to have a wee nip of fudge now; sounds like someone about to have a wee nip of booze doesn't it!?
Take care of each other! <3 br="br" nbsp="nbsp"> xo
At this point I begin to contemplate a return to work, but try not to let it be the focus of my daily thoughts because it kind of stresses me out a bit. I did have visits with many of our centre families and staff this week for our annual trip event to the Burnham Family Farm Market and very much enjoyed seeing everyone! It might have been just what I didn't know I needed. Buying a little produce, including homemade fudge just added to how good I felt that morning! I WAS only buying one block of fudge when the girl mentioned the buy two get one for free! She didn't know how very aware of that deal I was and have been for a very long time AND have caved before! I had thought I could get past the idea this time! LOL, I should have known better! I am happy to report I wrapped two of the blocks and have frozen them! If my daughter should read my blogs she is sure to show up soon and I will happily send some away with her! : )
I am two weeks into a new prescription for what began a year ago as indigestion/heartburn and now may be stress related. I am hoping it subsides in the next two weeks or there is likely to be a 'scope' involved. A scope...a scope, that just doesn't sound like any form of fun that I'd like to be a part of!!!! I had contacted my Oncologists office and a nurse returned my call to say that my oncologist didn't feel it was related to my Interferon injections but I should get an appointment with my family doctor and have it checked. I did and hence the prescription for Tecta, another form of the Panto prazole I was previously on, but with magnesium versus sodium this time. What I experience is the sensation of very dire hunger, though there is a difference in that there isn't any growling of the stomach and it hurts much more and makes one feel ill. It occurs even right after having eaten a meal and experiencing the sense of being full! For one afternoon this week I thought it had gone only to have the effects return. My doctor feels it is most likely stress related, in light of the treatments and everything I've been going through. I hang on!
Today I drove to Oshawa. Not a big deal but it's been some time; June, since I have driven myself that far....alone! I was off to Lakeridge Health to pick up my next round of Interferon. I was thrilled to use the handy dandy travel kit they give you for the medication, with it's own ice pack etc. and tucked in my constant companion water bottle! Off I go! I was happy to have additional tunes on cd in the car to occupy my thoughts and keep me singing!
After picking up my prescription I did as I had on my way into the hospital and scanned the cafeteria crowd for a friend of mine and her husband. I briefly thought to myself that they could have been here much earlier or perhaps had much later appointments, and then ta-da there they were! Her husband was facing my direction and waved! I was pretty pleased with myself then that I had looked for them! She is getting her treatment underway very soon. We had a good visit as they had just finished lunch and I was packing a dutchie bun and chocolate milk from the Auxillary cafe!
While we chatted I took the opportunity to pay forward the very helpful information a friend of mine had thoughtfully shared with myself as my husband and I headed into such a very different chain of events one is never prepared for following my diagnosis and preparation for treatment.
Tomorrow it's off to Toronto to wish my son Chris well as he heads to Boston next week for the Boston Fashion Week where he is a featured designer; one of only two Canadians to be INVITED! Pretty cool! My sister will accompany me on the train and we'll have a little "girl" time and time with my son before he heads off! We wish we were going to be there to cheer him on, but it's not possible at this time. I know Chris is very thankful for the support he has received in ensuring he CAN go to Boston, but John and I have to express our thanks too, as we have been watching as this drew closer and closer to actually happening and wish to extend our very heartfelt appreciation in the generousity people have shown in helping make this dream opportunity actually happen!
Well that's a lot for you to read, but if you're still here, I thank you for listening and being here as as I rambled on! I'm going to have a wee nip of fudge now; sounds like someone about to have a wee nip of booze doesn't it!?
Take care of each other! <3 br="br" nbsp="nbsp"> xo
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
A Road Side Sighting-Autumn represent
Heading North, even as close as Peterborough, fall comes into evidence at the very top of many trees. Crimson and Amber leaves prominent decor and looking so lovely.
Sitting at the intersection of Hwy. # 7 and the off ramp for the 115 I notice a stand of Poplars and already turned leaves of golden yellow shimmer and dance in the breeze. Then 1, 2 and 3 leaves separately one after the other flutter with grace down, down to the ground below.
Autumn represent!
xo
Sitting at the intersection of Hwy. # 7 and the off ramp for the 115 I notice a stand of Poplars and already turned leaves of golden yellow shimmer and dance in the breeze. Then 1, 2 and 3 leaves separately one after the other flutter with grace down, down to the ground below.
Autumn represent!
xo
Monday, September 3, 2012
Huh, I hadn't thought of that...Saving your own Skin
Funny, though not really...
Yesterday I had a random 'epiphany' thinking to myself and out loud how having melanoma gives new meaning to the term 'Saving your own skin'!
That I found this funny seemed wrong but I think I really only laughed about it because I wondered how I hadn't thought of how literally the term seemed in relation to melanoma.
Hey, I take the 'laughs' as they come!
xo
Yesterday I had a random 'epiphany' thinking to myself and out loud how having melanoma gives new meaning to the term 'Saving your own skin'!
That I found this funny seemed wrong but I think I really only laughed about it because I wondered how I hadn't thought of how literally the term seemed in relation to melanoma.
Hey, I take the 'laughs' as they come!
xo
the Quirks and Queries of Side Effects...Oh give me strength! the 'c' word Day 200
Querks, pains, twinges and a faux hunger like thing happening frequently. I was actually thinking the whole side effects thing with the injections portion of the Interferon was going fairly well as such things go generally, though I admit to the odd day where with just the extensive exhaustion I have wondered if I would be able to make it through the now next ten months of this!
These last few days for whatever reason have been much more challenging. I might feel a tad depressed as well, but maybe that in addition because of so much going on right now. The little kit looks harmless enough, even almost 'friendly'. My pen even more so in it's pretty pink shade. Pink represents 60 million individual units; each dose at 15 million.
.jpg)
I know even without the affects of the Interferon there are a number of ongoing strange and querky things happening which are ongoing affects from the Lymph node surgery. Today I am experiencing; as I did yesterday, quite a bit of pain in my right armpit/breast area.
I am consistently badgered by back pain which also extends to just above my abdomen below my ribs, it's not stabbing but a dull and annoying pain, that makes itself well known!
Following a meal and thinking I feel full; on far less portions than ever before, I can feel what resembles hunger pangs but is not, only minutes later! This particular problem is very bad today. I'd gorge myself but I don't even have the appetite to attempt to fill the false sense of a void!
In addition to said fun stuff something is up with my throat!
It is not helping to know tonight is injection night and tomorrow will only be a compounding of effects from post injection and all that is already going on!
I will be calling the Oncologists office if this gets any worse or if needed get in to see my own doctor!
So, so tired!
One day I hope to feel like 'ME' again; whatever 'ME' was, even just for my husband's sake!
xo
These last few days for whatever reason have been much more challenging. I might feel a tad depressed as well, but maybe that in addition because of so much going on right now. The little kit looks harmless enough, even almost 'friendly'. My pen even more so in it's pretty pink shade. Pink represents 60 million individual units; each dose at 15 million.
.jpg)
I know even without the affects of the Interferon there are a number of ongoing strange and querky things happening which are ongoing affects from the Lymph node surgery. Today I am experiencing; as I did yesterday, quite a bit of pain in my right armpit/breast area.
I am consistently badgered by back pain which also extends to just above my abdomen below my ribs, it's not stabbing but a dull and annoying pain, that makes itself well known!
Following a meal and thinking I feel full; on far less portions than ever before, I can feel what resembles hunger pangs but is not, only minutes later! This particular problem is very bad today. I'd gorge myself but I don't even have the appetite to attempt to fill the false sense of a void!
In addition to said fun stuff something is up with my throat!
It is not helping to know tonight is injection night and tomorrow will only be a compounding of effects from post injection and all that is already going on!
I will be calling the Oncologists office if this gets any worse or if needed get in to see my own doctor!
So, so tired!
One day I hope to feel like 'ME' again; whatever 'ME' was, even just for my husband's sake!
xo
Monday, August 27, 2012
Working at Chill, when it's so flippin' hot!
Sunday August 26th.
Man it's so hot and sticky outside. I am feeling restless but haven't the energy to do much and lack the focus to do much. Even staring off into nowhere needs focus!
John was going to put up the hammock for me but upon stepping out onto the barely used deck out back, realize just how much cooler it is there and the scenery is rather nice as well.
He proceeds to bring the lounger with it's cushion up to the deck for me.
Carting my water bottle, drawing book, pen/pencil, sunscreen and my very large hat, I set up to find 'Chill', relaxation, perhaps even a small amount of focus, despite the yuck of the heat.
Once settled I can't help but just take it all in. It's quite lovely and I wonder why I don't sit back here more often!?
The slightest breeze emits the most quiet but relaxing rustling through the trees which fill the scene in the ravine directly behind our house. I then notice a gentle trickling of water, arising from our little fish pond, as the water rises up through a little fountain piece and cascades back down again. The fish like me are hiding beneath shade, afforded them by the overhang of the Virgina Creeper vine; Engleman's Ivy.
The deck itself is in dire need of a rebuild, but even in it's state of dilapidation it grants me time for chill in a more comfortable setting and my thoughts to scribe without the distraction of such heat and humidity.
While considering my good fortune found on the ol' deck I can't help too but look to the rapidly growing White Pine tree; one of three. I instantly imagine I can hear it's soothing soft whisper as winter winds blow through it, standing over a layer of shimmering fresh snow.
Woops, I hadn't meant to go there! That's a state of 'Chill'!
xo
Man it's so hot and sticky outside. I am feeling restless but haven't the energy to do much and lack the focus to do much. Even staring off into nowhere needs focus!
John was going to put up the hammock for me but upon stepping out onto the barely used deck out back, realize just how much cooler it is there and the scenery is rather nice as well.
He proceeds to bring the lounger with it's cushion up to the deck for me.
Carting my water bottle, drawing book, pen/pencil, sunscreen and my very large hat, I set up to find 'Chill', relaxation, perhaps even a small amount of focus, despite the yuck of the heat.
Once settled I can't help but just take it all in. It's quite lovely and I wonder why I don't sit back here more often!?
The slightest breeze emits the most quiet but relaxing rustling through the trees which fill the scene in the ravine directly behind our house. I then notice a gentle trickling of water, arising from our little fish pond, as the water rises up through a little fountain piece and cascades back down again. The fish like me are hiding beneath shade, afforded them by the overhang of the Virgina Creeper vine; Engleman's Ivy.
The deck itself is in dire need of a rebuild, but even in it's state of dilapidation it grants me time for chill in a more comfortable setting and my thoughts to scribe without the distraction of such heat and humidity.
While considering my good fortune found on the ol' deck I can't help too but look to the rapidly growing White Pine tree; one of three. I instantly imagine I can hear it's soothing soft whisper as winter winds blow through it, standing over a layer of shimmering fresh snow.
Woops, I hadn't meant to go there! That's a state of 'Chill'!
xo
Saturday, August 18, 2012
To Peel n' Strip or to Layer...Round 2 with Interferon-the 'c' word Day 184
Another Friday morning; all morning, spent at LRH! It was quite a morning yesterday, not really anything more than we might have anticipated, except for the "you already have your prescription and know we're doing the first injection this morning?"!
I guess a little miscommunication happening here! It all worked out and thankfully will not need to return to the hospital Monday.
The injection itself really is very easy. I will admit that at the moment she asked me to go ahead and inject I was for a millisecond thinking, "NO WAY!", and then without further thought simply and very quickly with conviction 'stabbed' my belly! I didn't actually even feel anything, until of course the needle was in and then there was a noticeable sting. Hold and push down the depressor then a few seconds more, and all done! I can do this. With anything like this you will of course do what you have to do!
Not so bad at all. It's the side effects that cause a greater sense of fear than the needle itself!!
We feel good as we leave the hospital and are happy to be meeting up with my friend Nancy and her little boy. We will pack a picnic next time though in making sure I have something to eat before the drive home. I do have some rice cakes with me and water and that gets me through until I am home. We had a visit for about a half hour then walked together toward the car and she lives very close by to where we are parked.
We were to have stopped for lunch at the Mandarin today but now that we have our "Drug package" with us and it needs to stay cool we will have to do that another day. The hospital did provide us with an ice pack to keep it chill while we enjoyed our visit with Nancy, but beyond that it's too warm out and especially in the car, to be much longer.
I am found approximately two hours later-by the effects of the Interferon. The side effects of the injection; half the dose of the I.V I had received for a month, catch up with me as we arrive home. I lie down for approximately 1 1/2 hours and on waking it starts. The oncologist said there are likely to be MORE; MORE!?, fever and chills than before but the hope is I will sleep through the majority of it! It's like clock work or right from a text book. The remainder of the night sends me into fever; low grade @ 38.4, chills/shakes, sweats and very lethargic. I'm either pulling on an extra blanket; can't get warm enough, or at one point peeling off layers of clothing; too hot!
Just something John might have dreamed up...my randomly stripping off in the living room in the middle of his television viewing pleasure! LOL! Sadly for him the pleasure stops after the stripping! He couldn't have gotten any closure if he tried, I'd have fought hard to keep anyone from touching my hot then cold and then hot body! Poor fellow.
Having headed to bed before long I worked again at getting warm and every trip to the washroom throughout the night induced further chills and shaking. It was a long ol' night and I'm sure if I had any accurate measure of how much sleep I actually benefitted from it would be quite minimal. Upon waking this morning the 'standard' headache wakens with me! This appears to be my new "norm"!
Today is a new day and the last of the side effects seemed to wear off late this morning, so we're hoping the remainder of the day will all be good. It's our 28th Wedding Anniversary today too so even greater reason to hope for a little "feel good" to celebrate! I do hope I am afforded an appetite today but appetite or not the Rib fest is on and for John's sake we WILL go!
He's been such a great support through all of this and deserves at the least a really good feed of pulled pork and maybe some onion blossoms or corn on the cob! Had I the funds, of course there are many other wonderful things I would love to surprise him with, but this is good for now! : ]
Appetite Please!!!!! xo
I guess a little miscommunication happening here! It all worked out and thankfully will not need to return to the hospital Monday.
The injection itself really is very easy. I will admit that at the moment she asked me to go ahead and inject I was for a millisecond thinking, "NO WAY!", and then without further thought simply and very quickly with conviction 'stabbed' my belly! I didn't actually even feel anything, until of course the needle was in and then there was a noticeable sting. Hold and push down the depressor then a few seconds more, and all done! I can do this. With anything like this you will of course do what you have to do!
Not so bad at all. It's the side effects that cause a greater sense of fear than the needle itself!!
We feel good as we leave the hospital and are happy to be meeting up with my friend Nancy and her little boy. We will pack a picnic next time though in making sure I have something to eat before the drive home. I do have some rice cakes with me and water and that gets me through until I am home. We had a visit for about a half hour then walked together toward the car and she lives very close by to where we are parked.
We were to have stopped for lunch at the Mandarin today but now that we have our "Drug package" with us and it needs to stay cool we will have to do that another day. The hospital did provide us with an ice pack to keep it chill while we enjoyed our visit with Nancy, but beyond that it's too warm out and especially in the car, to be much longer.
I am found approximately two hours later-by the effects of the Interferon. The side effects of the injection; half the dose of the I.V I had received for a month, catch up with me as we arrive home. I lie down for approximately 1 1/2 hours and on waking it starts. The oncologist said there are likely to be MORE; MORE!?, fever and chills than before but the hope is I will sleep through the majority of it! It's like clock work or right from a text book. The remainder of the night sends me into fever; low grade @ 38.4, chills/shakes, sweats and very lethargic. I'm either pulling on an extra blanket; can't get warm enough, or at one point peeling off layers of clothing; too hot!
Just something John might have dreamed up...my randomly stripping off in the living room in the middle of his television viewing pleasure! LOL! Sadly for him the pleasure stops after the stripping! He couldn't have gotten any closure if he tried, I'd have fought hard to keep anyone from touching my hot then cold and then hot body! Poor fellow.
Having headed to bed before long I worked again at getting warm and every trip to the washroom throughout the night induced further chills and shaking. It was a long ol' night and I'm sure if I had any accurate measure of how much sleep I actually benefitted from it would be quite minimal. Upon waking this morning the 'standard' headache wakens with me! This appears to be my new "norm"!
Today is a new day and the last of the side effects seemed to wear off late this morning, so we're hoping the remainder of the day will all be good. It's our 28th Wedding Anniversary today too so even greater reason to hope for a little "feel good" to celebrate! I do hope I am afforded an appetite today but appetite or not the Rib fest is on and for John's sake we WILL go!
He's been such a great support through all of this and deserves at the least a really good feed of pulled pork and maybe some onion blossoms or corn on the cob! Had I the funds, of course there are many other wonderful things I would love to surprise him with, but this is good for now! : ]
Appetite Please!!!!! xo
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
The Perfect Prescription- I Escaped!!!
Ah, some days are just like this, ...picture perfect!!!
We made a quick run to Lakeridge Hospital today to pick up paper work, just in case I should need it before Friday, when we have a morning appointment for blood work and to see the oncologist.
Having missed all of the previous "BBQ lunch" days held out in front of the hospital due to my Chemo/Appt. times, today I joined John in a "combo" lunch in affording me sustenance even when my body doesn't know enough to ask for it and helping with funds for the hospital!
I haven't been anywhere this summer or done much of anything and that can really bring me down at times. It's that financially we're missing my pay and paired with that, I only seem to have so many really "feel good" days! The last two have been pretty good and with John on holiday this week; minus the Monday he had to work, I am hoping the next couple of days will feel close to that good again!!! Friday may be the start of the injections which could; will likely, change things once again! While everything is very different this summer, CHANGE, the one thing one can count on is very consistent! You have to be happy for the things you can count on.
On our way home we meandered away from Oshawa on Taunton, down to county rd. # 9, through
Kendal, Elizabethville and finally sitting high above Garden Hill stopped in to Richardson's Lookout. Growing up I think we knew it better as Dean's Hill Lookout.
I had taken the camera and tripod with me today in anticipation of a photo shoot, with nature and John! Hmmm, that could almost sound kind of kinky! Even out there we ran into a Ward 2 Town employee John knew, so no "kinky" allowed! We're not exhibitionists by any stretch of the imagination! I won't say we haven't been there before! LOL!
It's a beautiful spot for a picnic...which we didn't have with us today! Years ago I do recall a big family picnic with all of my cousins.
Today it was very evident the amount of area that used to be cut back is no longer. A narrow strip leading up to the deck of the lookout is all that is cut now. The many saplings and new trees I recall around the perimeter of the hill have grown immensely and impede some of the view but you are still most certainly afforded a great view. It's an especially rewarding trek in the fall! I've never been in the winter but I think I should make note to do that.
Shortly after arriving we set up the tripod and proceeded to do a few photos and then were greeted by two lovely labs; a golden and a chocolate lab. In a few more minutes their "human" came to find them and we talked for a few minutes. Are you thinking what I'm thinking...we couldn't help but think he sent the dogs up to be sure no-one was up to any "shenanigans" on the hill; or the lookout deck, or under...! The gentleman lives just next door from there.
Can you tell I really enjoyed my "escape" today, and am perhaps full of "sillies", or as my Father-in-Law might say, "Piss and vinegar"! My apology if that offends. He is a lovely person and I have to admit to having come to appreciate and enjoy; when needed, some of his phrases.
We did some photos; some with lots of laughs, and I'll leave it to you to recognize the 'scene' if you will. John is 'silly' too today and as we went through the photos once home had a few comments of his own!
It was a much needed outing for us both.
Following the pictures of ourselves I went about photographing the panoramic view, the vegetation, some butterflies, etc.! Next time we will have to do a picnic.
It was such a simple outing but with Hubby and camera by my side, I'm sure it's just what the doctor himself might have ordered!
xo
We made a quick run to Lakeridge Hospital today to pick up paper work, just in case I should need it before Friday, when we have a morning appointment for blood work and to see the oncologist.
Having missed all of the previous "BBQ lunch" days held out in front of the hospital due to my Chemo/Appt. times, today I joined John in a "combo" lunch in affording me sustenance even when my body doesn't know enough to ask for it and helping with funds for the hospital!
I haven't been anywhere this summer or done much of anything and that can really bring me down at times. It's that financially we're missing my pay and paired with that, I only seem to have so many really "feel good" days! The last two have been pretty good and with John on holiday this week; minus the Monday he had to work, I am hoping the next couple of days will feel close to that good again!!! Friday may be the start of the injections which could; will likely, change things once again! While everything is very different this summer, CHANGE, the one thing one can count on is very consistent! You have to be happy for the things you can count on.
On our way home we meandered away from Oshawa on Taunton, down to county rd. # 9, through
Kendal, Elizabethville and finally sitting high above Garden Hill stopped in to Richardson's Lookout. Growing up I think we knew it better as Dean's Hill Lookout.
I had taken the camera and tripod with me today in anticipation of a photo shoot, with nature and John! Hmmm, that could almost sound kind of kinky! Even out there we ran into a Ward 2 Town employee John knew, so no "kinky" allowed! We're not exhibitionists by any stretch of the imagination! I won't say we haven't been there before! LOL!
It's a beautiful spot for a picnic...which we didn't have with us today! Years ago I do recall a big family picnic with all of my cousins.
Today it was very evident the amount of area that used to be cut back is no longer. A narrow strip leading up to the deck of the lookout is all that is cut now. The many saplings and new trees I recall around the perimeter of the hill have grown immensely and impede some of the view but you are still most certainly afforded a great view. It's an especially rewarding trek in the fall! I've never been in the winter but I think I should make note to do that.
Can you tell I really enjoyed my "escape" today, and am perhaps full of "sillies", or as my Father-in-Law might say, "Piss and vinegar"! My apology if that offends. He is a lovely person and I have to admit to having come to appreciate and enjoy; when needed, some of his phrases.
We did some photos; some with lots of laughs, and I'll leave it to you to recognize the 'scene' if you will. John is 'silly' too today and as we went through the photos once home had a few comments of his own!
It was a much needed outing for us both.
Following the pictures of ourselves I went about photographing the panoramic view, the vegetation, some butterflies, etc.! Next time we will have to do a picnic.
xo
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