Counting Days...and Making Days Count!

I don't know when it happened but for some time following my cancer diagnosis I began adding a count to the days and in posting here included that count.    It seems some time ago I have stopped counting my days that followed diagnosis, but believe now I am more focused on making those days count.   I'm living and embracing EVERY day rather than counting each day that I live beyond the diagnosis.

Just a realization I had while here in the quiet of the evening.   Making the days count makes much more sense!   Imagine the impact on ones thoughts should my time actually come to an end and I will have left a 'number' representing the number of days lived since the diagnosis.   That would be horrible.     No longer counting each day that I live; past diagnosis, but making each day that I live, COUNT!   :)

Silence is golden, talking is nerve-wracking...one week of ASL

While away at an ASL Immersion Camp not so very long ago, I faced the challenge of using sign to communicate as opposed to verbal communication.    Now, if you know me you immediately realize the obvious challenge at hand, but it was much more difficult than obviously presumed!

During mealtimes there were writing tablets and pens placed every few feet upon the dining tables.  These tablets were most helpful in picking up communication via written communique, where signing skills left much to be desired or there is a lack of understanding in a mealtime conversation.  While one could also finger spell, that didn't always make for the most fluid continuity in a conversation.

Once we as campers got the hang of signing for the most part but also simply jotting down the misunderstood, it became nerve-wracking at times when you found yourself or someone close in proximity to you actually speaking aloud!   *GASP*s  followed by "Shhhh" in the moment a vocal utterance was released!    I myself felt in fear of "being caught" whether it was actually me or the person I might be in conversation with!    Imagine ME afraid of Talking!!! It struck me as both funny and incredibly WoW, that this experience could have that kind of impact.

"Vocies Off" a rule taken seriously at camp; by most,   to aid in the success as prospective scholars of ASL , in respect of the learning environment and respect for our instructors of the Deaf Community and Culture.  They were all very understanding when perhaps voices "On" happened and I commend them for their incredible amount of patience.   Somehow in my head perhaps I held a vision of having my knuckles rapped for using my voice!    For me silence was indeed golden and while hard to believe YES, talking became a nerve-wracking condition to work at controlling!  

Ch-ch-ch Changes....because that's just the way LIFE rolls!

Of recent, of lately, of previously...holy busy, crazy times!    I will come back to post more but just here to say what wild times we've been having.

Last weekend I was very happy to provide face painting for a local fundraiser for a family going through a most difficult time and it was amazing to see and hear of the amount of generosity and caring shown by our community in answering the call to gather in support of this family.

Our son and his roommates had an apartment fire and ever so grateful each of them was fine and as our son commented, people were quick to come to their aide and were most helpful in assuring they had anything they needed at this unsettling time.   He as are we,  grateful to know of such kindness in our community and again and again that is proven and this time for he and his roommates to be first hand witness to.

I had a recent breast biopsy and thankfully can report all came back normal.   The biopsy much like the mammograms undertaken prior to this was more uncomfortable than painful and the markings left behind similar to a small target image.  The tech/nurses and the doctor doing the procedure were all so wonderful and very caring in their approach.   Afterward one is left to rest for about a half hour and that can leave you with so many many thoughts drifting into your mind.   Scary times again but now so grateful for a non-threatening outcome as well as the care I received from those in Women's Health!

A week away to be immersed in American Sign Language brought joy, in remembering more ASL, realizing what I already know`, meeting so many wonderful people, very inspirational camp surroundings  and then too disheartening feelings in realizing how much conversational ASL has slipped from my memory.  For the first time since I was very young I experienced some measure of being homesick.   The experience was amazing, eye opening and I am again so grateful to have been a part of it and there will more about my week at camp soon.

My parents recently sold their home; within a week of being posted, and have settled into a new apartment.   It's quite lovely and one knows there are many memories to be made yet and such a lovely view from their balcony, but one also can't deny the pang felt driving past their former street where their lovely home was and so many memories made and shared.   It's odd the way these changes in life play on your mind and tug at your heart!

Oh so many changes, realizations tucked within each of these events in life and we have to know enough to embrace what was, accept what is and find positives in the changes at hand and know we WILL be fine.   You can't help sometimes to look at these things as part of what is somehow meant to be , at the very least seeking whatever positive may be found in it all even if very small.  Try to remind yourself with change there is always learning, growth and perhaps forces us to rethink, reimagine, remind ourselves, we're still here we still get a chance to make the day count and if we're lucky the day after, the year after!    Change is inevitable and you just have to make up your mind that does not CHANGE everything!

Sing(in), Sing(in) a Song!

It has occurred to me that I DO love to sing!   I realize I AM NOT an extremely strong/talented vocalist but I'm afraid that won't stop me from continuing to sing!    While I have not been out to audition for a musical production now in five years, the desire to has not completely gone away and of course one needn't wait for such auditions to come along in order to enjoy the indulgence of simply singing for the sake of singing!  

More often than not I can sing a song in relation to just about any given situation while in the midst of the moment of; not unlike Mac Davis asking an audience member for a topic! I realize I have just aged myself!!  
Sometimes it's just silly fun, sometimes a song invoked by moments in a day or events happening, sometimes inspired by the company of a good friend, etc., just having fun and joining together in song!!!  Whatever the reason I hope you too find plenty of reason, or sing just for the sake of the joy it brings to you!   <3 p="">

While going through some old files of video found just a couple of "songs" and singable moments I have enjoyed in the past; either for fun or with an intention in the making of!

Spilling the apple basket well worth the memories invoked!

Tipping the basket over and it's contents spilling out onto the deck, there in front of me I see three words that bring a flood of memories and of course a sudden imagined scent of freshly baked bread to my senses!

With my parents having sold their house and preparing to move soon, they have been sending many items home with each of us in knowing they are downsizing greatly.   A recent acquisition, their clothespin basket and it's contents!    On the surface it just seems like any other old 2 quart apple basket, but upon scanning over the ejected items I see three words staring back at me, "Happy Home Bakery"!    I can't believe it or the instantaneously imagined scent of freshly baked bread, cookies, etc.!

Wow, I feel as if I have suddenly been transported back to a long forgotten time, though will never forget going in there and seeing the delight on my children's faces when always from behind the display case there was a friendly voice to say, "Would you like a cookie today?"!  I haven't many of my own childhood memories there having grown up in the country and only popping in there on a rare occasion.

Remembering the bakery of course pulls me back to a time when we were just starting out, leaving high school, heading to college, my husband and I as a couple, the many other businesses locally which have since changed and you find yourself looking down the street trying to remember where they were and how it all looked and what they sold.    One little clothespin so many memories and another realization of how time transports us from one time to another and how much those memories  mean to us.  I am also now feeling a desire to bake cookies...oven is on!

Spilling the apple basket (cart) isn't always such a bad thing!

I'm curious to know what items guide you down memory lane and to what memories?

Just another mammogram kind of day!

Sent into a rather largish room, standing alone, topless and it's a wee tad chilly.   I don't even have to look down to see that evidence via the layer covering my breasts, because there isn't one.   Yep, we're cold.    I don't know how to stand, where to put my hands or how to position my arms, of course feeling like I should stand with arms folded to embrace my bared breasts.   It feels so awkward here, just waiting, and fidgeting.  I'm just not used to starting conversations with people as they enter a room and I am feeling rather exposed.

That was then, early on in this game of Breast Screening...Mammography.

Fast forward to just yesterday, my second official mammogram since "coming of age".   You've got it, I have passed that magic number of years...50 and have been granted the thrill of receiving a yearly letter inviting me for my annual screening.   How lovely!   Really, it is as now I needn't worry about any lack of memory in relation to this very important task.

Last year I actually had a scare when I had found a lump while standing in front of a mirror after a shower.   Thankfully it turned out to be nothing more than a benign mass .   It was mentioned while not ALWAYS the rule, because it was a mobile lump, that was a good sign.   In light of having dealt with melanoma, surgery and treatments it seems natural to me that whenever there is something I feel alerted to it's because I know melanoma has a pretty good likelihood to recur.   That's unfortunately where my (paranoid) thoughts turn to each time I THINK I feel/sense something unknown.

I've come a long way from standing in the room awkwardly waiting and fidgeting and wondering how to address the technician as she arrives to get things started.  .
I no longer worry because first, it is no longer the large cavernous room you are escorted to for a mammogram and also you walk into  the room with the technician.   I'm now at a point; as I found myself to be yesterday, where I am very relaxed about it all and so much so that yesterday we had barely been moments into the room when I began to remove my upper garments.   It dawned on me perhaps I was jumping ahead and said, "Oh, should I be undressing?  I don't want to embarrass either of us!"!    She laughed, " Yes, that's right go ahead!", and she commented that you always know the ones who have been regularly because the door hardly closes and they begin to eliminate layers!  LOL!   That's me!   With the scare last year and all of the medical tests following the cancer diagnosis in 2012, anything goes; nothing is a BIG DEAL!

Even without all of the medical goings on in the last two years you must believe me when I say there really is NOTHING to having a mammogram!   At worst there is a bit of pressure in the proceeding of the mammogram equipment, but minimal indeed! The tech's are wonderful, gentle and very caring and keeping your dignity intact they'll even remind you to remove the little sticky metal dots.   It has all come a long way baby!

If you are due for a mammogram but are hesitant and perhaps fearful, just do it....it's so simple!
Don't be a boob, get your boobs checked!

Ills and the Ill of paranoia!

I lay in bed, nearly all the day with the exception of 15-20 minutes here and there.   I haven't felt "ill" without the influence of a specific reason in a very long time.

As a cancer survivor sometimes the greatest struggle is in not becoming paranoid with "common ills" or pain one feels.   When back in February I accidentally slammed my right thumb in a dresser drawer and it felt like the worst pain EVER, I couldn't appreciate in that moment how wonderful it was to know the exact reason for said pain and nausea.   Funny the things you come to appreciate after the BIG C!

Today not feeling well and not having full knowledge of why and feeling the "spaz" in me consider calling about to see what "ills" are rampant of recent, I know that unwelcomed "Paranoia" is knocking on my door again!    Just when I felt I was doing great, surging ahead with all manner of living and working on the "going forward" bit!    O.K, one day of mindful paranoia and suspicion of ills present isn't so bad....I'll just change gears, or at least hush them once the Daughter comes home.   I'll drive both of us nuts and perhaps hubby too otherwise!

If I were a stove I'd be very hot, because every burner has something cooking-even the back burners are full, with plans, commitment to projects, and just life in general!   I'll  be fine and hope that tomorrow I will feel much better...I have to!   That quick run to Oshawa didn't happen today.  There is much to do and I'm looking forward to all of it!

I'm just feeling blah, have stayed very close to the "facility" and absolutely can't stand feeling ill!   Down with ills!

Keep Calm and Go Forth Feeling Better!   ;)

Getting Carted. Not a typo!

"Carted" is correct, it is not meant to be "carded", which would be a very welcome thing at my age...perhaps a miracle!   I've only been 'carded' once in my life; that I can recall.   I had gone to the drive in with a friend, driving my parents car; Plymouth Volare, and we had to drive right out!   It was a restricted movie and I was too young.  Such a disappointment.   That's CARDED.

Many many years later and at a much different stage of life I am now speaking of being 'Carted'.  Allow me to explain.

Every trip to the grocery store it becomes clear to me that I DO in fact have some OCD issues, perhaps a couple but one in particular.

Groceries purchased and toddling off into the parking lot headed to my car and unloading all of the groceries once there.   Feeling great in knowing our pantry shelves and refridgerator will once again be fully stocked.  Just steps away from the "Cart Shelter", I gasp in the visual that lies ahead of me.   I just shake my head and enter therein.

Grocery carts in all manner of disarray and I just don't understand how this could be.   It takes only moments to put a cart beneath the shelter and to tuck it in nicely nested with other carts; like the very tidy and efficient design of a set of nesting tables.   Perfect!   They should be perfect and since they are not, I take it upon myself to make them so.   Very satisfying I think as I walk back to my car and drive home.    I am not opposed to walking to others cars and upon their having tucked their treasures into their vehicles, offer to take their cart for them, insuring it is properly stored for ease of retrieval by the next would be shopper.

There you have it folks, getting 'Carted'...by moi!  

Finally the job of my dreams.   If only I could convince the grocery stores they NEED me!

Going to Summer Camp...Words CANNOT express! ;)

Even my hubby has summer camp memories, though he tells me he didn't especially enjoy being there. My brother went to Quin-Mo-Lac and he didn't enjoy his time there so much either, but I am willing to bet things will be a little different for this camper, in the summer of 2014.  Growing up and as adults with children we have certainly had numerous 'camping' experiences and with other families and with the Scouting movement which were greatly enjoyed but the 'Summer Camp' per say was not a part of those memories.

I'm not speaking of some lucky or unfortunate kid I might know; depending on how one sees the impending opportunity, heading off to camp this summer,   I'm talking about ME, yes, that's right, me!!!   This summer for the first time ever in my life, I am going to summer camp and I am totally stoked for the experience!

Now aside from the usual, dorm lodging, swimming, campfires, etc., my experience is going to be quite different in comparison to ones typical camp stay!  My experience will include NO talking, and the use of ASL only in communication!   I can hardly believe it myself!!!

OH trust me when I say I HAVE thought about this a great deal!!!   When I began my two years of American Sign Language at Fleming College back in 2005 the existence of the Bob Rumball Centre for the Deaf, and opportunity to attend a week long ASL Immersion camp was presented to our class and it came up time and time again and I couldn't stop thinking about wanting to attend.   All the while thinking about it imagined how much fun it would be and the huge benefits it would provide in solidifying my training and confidence in using ASL.   I also thought WOW, that would make me very gifted in knowing how to 'Talk with my hands"!   I've heard the cracks about how I might die, not being able to talk...HA!, I say...nope, I would simply have to work at signing more!!    I be takin' the whole "gesturing" to a much higher level!!  

Most recently I completed my course in 'WeeHands", signing for babies and their parents and have begun presenting demo's for parents and their babies at the Ontario Early Years centres with the hopes of bringing interested parents to attend 4 weeks of classes with me in Signing and Singing for Babies-Signing and Singing at Home.   Over the summer I will be doing demo's as much as possible and putting the word out there in our communities aiming for a restart of classes in September!   Attending the ASL camp in Parry Sound will only work to strengthen and add to my skills as well as help me gain greater confidence in knowing I am doing what I should be!   Since I also enjoy singing I look forward to a more fluid skill level of signing that I can enjoy when singing as well.   There is nothing more beautiful than watching the fluid and poignant motion of song in ASL sign.   During our classes our instructor had a friend join us at Christmas and together they signed and sang Christmas hymns and our class was literally moved to tears in awe of just how beautiful it was.   I have a "Living List" wish to sing the national anthem at a public event and perhaps at some point should it happen I might also be able to sign it!!   I'm getting way ahead of myself but there it is, in print and if this is one of my "callings" I suppose it could come to pass!

Well, this is pretty wordy...true to my nature but I had to share how incredibly excited and Fortunate I am to be 'going to summer camp'...which also goes to show, it's never too late if you really want something!    I am presently loaded with a cold and feeling pretty rough, but you can't imagine how exciting it was to submit my camp application today!!!    I have posted my camp "have to haves" on the fridge like any kid stoked to be going to camp...even if it is three months from now!!!!

Sleeping bag...and perhaps duct tape already set aside!

De-Feeted

I've never thought I had "pretty" feet, they're o.k. and that's about it.   I think on the movie 3 Weddings and a Funeral, Hugh Grant's character always checks his bedded ladies pedi's and if he doesn't like what he sees then he won't likely see her again.   Good thing my hubby didn't hinge our future on my feet!!!

I recently had an appt. with my doctor to have a look at my right foot, which sadly looked to me to be developing a bunion on the same side as my baby toe.  In discussing the pain, etc., she said, "Yes, unfortunately you don't have great feet.".   While she means from a medical point of view, it's hard not to take it differently, in a more vain fashion and leaving me feeling "De-feeted"!   On to the Chiropodist for further critique, 'er I mean diagnosis.

If the Glass Slipper Doesn't Fit!!!!

I've never thought of my feet as pretty...well at least not after about grade nine, when it seems I sort of actually began to grow.   I often have "foot envy" when seeing the cutest petite and oft' stubby feet on women; summer making it painfully obvious I was not gifted such visually enjoyable feet.

With a recent visit to my doctor following up on concerns for a possible outer foot "bunion", creating a new and awkward looking shape to the baby toe and along that side of right foot, a conclusive statement was verbalized.

Upon describing the pain and how I felt that outer portion of my foot presented rather oddly, my doctor said, "Yes, unfortunately you don't have great feet.".
Now I know she made this observation/comment from a medical point of view, I couldn't help but take it a little differently...personally!    I might venture to say I felt like one of Cinderella's ugly step sisters! I would not be wearing the pretty little glass slippers!
I left the appointment feeling...well, De-Feeted!!!  


** I see a Chiropodist tomorrow morning...right after seeing my own doctor again for something that happened to my left ear during our flight home from Florida.  Left ear, right foot, ...oh dear, time for a total refurbishment!   LOL!   ;)