It's Monday. I really would like a little more weekend, but "sorry" I say to myself as I climb out of bed, "You have to go to work!".
It's probably a very good thing I'm going to work otherwise this feels like it could be one of those days; return of the teary eyed! If I were home I might be foolish enough to pop in Elton John's love songs just for the excuse to cry at great length, because I can.
Instead, it's off to work and prepare for a busy week ahead.
The day rolls out pretty good, it's busy for a Monday and I have a Mother Goose group to do for TEAM at the East High school at 12:30. It's a good group and they seem receptive to learning the songs and actually listening to my story telling. They are even somewhat receptive to retelling the story in a round. I enjoy the chance to have time away from our main site, it's a distraction.
Before leaving I talk with a co-worker about things that are a little unsettling in my world these days, but don't tell her about my upcoming surgery; not the right place/time. We hug and know we'll be fine and I'll be back next week and for three more weeks following that; I think!
On the way home I stop to check on my friends cat, there is plenty of food in her dish, litter box scooped and I sit in the centre of the floor to see if she might just take a chance and come out to see me. She never appears. I have a few more days to try. I check the house, bring in mail and head home.
I'm exhausted today and in conversation with my hubby express worries about things happening within the family and then, crap...the tears find their way! Hugs...hugs are to me what chocolate is to me...I can't bear to turn one down and never want there to be an end! Hugs are like a recipe that includes all of your favourite ingredients. I'm going to be fine.
Tonight I have decided "for" sharing my medical status with two most wonderful friends, whom I met while with the theatre. I value their friendship so much and just feel like I need them to know. I'm so happy to have made that decision, it's a little more weight lifted off my shoulders. The Whatzit gets smaller, the heart grows happier and more assured because I have these wonderful people I know I can talk with and don't have to feel cautioned of what I share in doing so. They will be the ones I share the the laughter with as much as I share the tears! This is where the greatest strength comes from, having those you love right there for you...to laugh with, fall into, cry with...just be there in complete silence if needed. They're the best you could ever imagine having in your circle.
I sit at the computer and search for my Mother Goose file and can't find it. I produce a new one and proceed to make a collection of the many rhymes, fingerplays and songs I have done with my group, which will include words so they can refer to and learn them well long after our sessions are done. I am up way too late doing this but spend more time on it than planned; not a surprise. I will include in their packages, two sheets for sign language with their tots. One a simple ASL alphabet they can practice just for fun and the other a collection of simple words to introduce ASL/Baby sign to their children and will remind them of the importance of verbal and sign combined to ensure they are encouraging both sign and verbal speech in their children's development.
An additional project tonight in putting together a sampling of photos of my younger sons design works, design sketches, fashion show photos, etc.; old and new, showing the great strides of growth in his work. One of the moms in my session is looking to open shop by spring featuring local artisans and designers. We have been chatting with each of her visits and she would like to see Chris' work.
Tomorrow is a busy day with as mentioned my final Mother Goose and late afternoon 4:30 to 7:30, the Winners program at St. Joes. We haven't a large group this time 'round, but those coming out are appreciative of all the activities and we have some very crafty moms taking home as much "creative product" as their children.
Here's to an earlier bedtime tomorrow and coming home to my jammies!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Just some Happy(ness) to Go Please.
It's been a very rough couple of weeks, could I have one order of "a healthy dose of Happy with a little sunshiny heart" on the side please. I'd just like to feel giddy with happy again sometime soon! <3
One can only stand feeling like I need a really good cry for so long; while I only cried briefly last night with the weight of others sadness upon my heart. I think I've been almost cry free for close to a full week.
Yes, the #5 is perfect "Healthy dose of Happy with a little sunshiny heart" on the side. Thank you.
...Would you be so kind to refill my water please, sadness leaves me parched. xo
One can only stand feeling like I need a really good cry for so long; while I only cried briefly last night with the weight of others sadness upon my heart. I think I've been almost cry free for close to a full week.
Yes, the #5 is perfect "Healthy dose of Happy with a little sunshiny heart" on the side. Thank you.
...Would you be so kind to refill my water please, sadness leaves me parched. xo
Day 11 - The Terrible Whatzit...a good name for many things!
"Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places."
Today has been a wonderful day in that there was no agenda and lent itself to some lovely lazy day Sunday sort of activity. Aside from going to check on a friends cat; the family is away, I went nowhere. I played a couple of very intense, fast paced rounds of scrabble with a fellow fb friend. My competitiveness came through in keeping up to his quick thinking even in the most difficult word scenarios. I took a nap between rounds and that was a very good thing. Apparently I needed it.
Today I have told a couple of friends online, most of whom I know well. One fb friend I have never met, but she is a friend to our younger son having met him when he worked in a high end furnishings store. They have remained in touch and she seems a lovely person and we have made a pact to get together. I mentioned to her as well somehow it does seem easier to bear all that this melanoma entails, the infliction itself, the waiting for procedures, etc. when you have such wonderful people around you for support. It's much less a scary beast and with that have been making reference to a story I used to read to my children, "Harry and the Terrible Whatsit"; Dick Gackenbach.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
http://dcmf.ca/tools
Go to the above site for some very helpful and preventative tools in preventing and recognizing melanoma.
Go to the above site for some very helpful and preventative tools in preventing and recognizing melanoma.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Day 10 - Writing the wrongs
SATURDAY, Saturday, Sa-tur-day....how I love thee. Up 'til 3:30 a.m this morning and sleeping in until 10:30 this morning, feels marvelous. I was up posting the first 6 entries which I had written in a scribbler and have now added here. I noticed I had capitalized "C" in The "c" Word and was compelled to change it. Using a capital seemed so wrong...like I had somehow given "cancer" some kind of empowerment it was not deserving of, and feeling like that was a wrong that I needed to rewrite. And so I did. Once again letting the secret beast out and taming it's roar!
Today has been a very relaxed day with only the urgency of adding the additional posts over the course of the day and later joining Johns parents for dinner out.
At dinner we discussed melanoma and what we don't know, can't know, hope not to hear but will not imagine and agreed you are best to take one day at a time. Next week my Father in law will have results post chemo for a spot on his lung. I hope we will both be celebrating shortly! He is a lovely person and while he greatly dislikes Doctors, hospitals and medical proceedings has surprised us all with his very positive outlook and attitude and even remarking on the good he has seen in the doctors and his patience in waiting the results reminds me to be patient in each of the steps necessary in dealing with the unknown.
It's only just a few short months before Christmas that we were digesting that he had cancer and our children couldn't believe what they were hearing, but it was real. That's the thing, I have waves of emotion that find me thinking I am simply making this all up, being dramatic...as if I were in front of a mirror acting out dramatic scenes as if auditioning for such a role on t.v, or for theatre; just as I did so often as a young kid, thinking so much about wanting to be an actress. This time, it's no mirror act, it's the real thing. A hard pill to swallow.
I want to scream, "There's something wrong with this picture!", or "...this role just isn't working for me!", but the only thing that will change it now, is to be blessed if you will with a clean bill following surgery, a big dose of good fortune, or a miracle. A miracle seems just what I might need when you know just how many people around you are fighting to take back their lives from the grip that is cancer.
Well, I'm ready to stop for the night, put on my fave jammies and curl up with my "Rock"...and having said that hope he is coping alright, but with his questions yesterday know he is as frightened at times as I. I am pretty strong; certainly stronger than I have ever imagined myself to be, but my emotions beg to differ and I know I need to allow time for that too.
Today has been a very relaxed day with only the urgency of adding the additional posts over the course of the day and later joining Johns parents for dinner out.
At dinner we discussed melanoma and what we don't know, can't know, hope not to hear but will not imagine and agreed you are best to take one day at a time. Next week my Father in law will have results post chemo for a spot on his lung. I hope we will both be celebrating shortly! He is a lovely person and while he greatly dislikes Doctors, hospitals and medical proceedings has surprised us all with his very positive outlook and attitude and even remarking on the good he has seen in the doctors and his patience in waiting the results reminds me to be patient in each of the steps necessary in dealing with the unknown.
It's only just a few short months before Christmas that we were digesting that he had cancer and our children couldn't believe what they were hearing, but it was real. That's the thing, I have waves of emotion that find me thinking I am simply making this all up, being dramatic...as if I were in front of a mirror acting out dramatic scenes as if auditioning for such a role on t.v, or for theatre; just as I did so often as a young kid, thinking so much about wanting to be an actress. This time, it's no mirror act, it's the real thing. A hard pill to swallow.
I want to scream, "There's something wrong with this picture!", or "...this role just isn't working for me!", but the only thing that will change it now, is to be blessed if you will with a clean bill following surgery, a big dose of good fortune, or a miracle. A miracle seems just what I might need when you know just how many people around you are fighting to take back their lives from the grip that is cancer.
Well, I'm ready to stop for the night, put on my fave jammies and curl up with my "Rock"...and having said that hope he is coping alright, but with his questions yesterday know he is as frightened at times as I. I am pretty strong; certainly stronger than I have ever imagined myself to be, but my emotions beg to differ and I know I need to allow time for that too.
Day 9 - P(re-)Op Quiz and some Carefree, compliments of the Cabaret
This morning I slept in until 7:45 a.m, at which time John woke me greeting me with a coffee at bedside and making sure I was alert and ready to get ready for our appt. at the hospital.
I was ready pretty quickly and off we went, a notepad of questions, all of my prescriptions and vitamins bagged for their inspection and hoping for a breakfast treat following the appt. before returning to my duties at work.
Like most such appointments it's the "hurry up and wait" game. But like we know as parents there were times we likely did the very same to our children-not meaning too, but it's an inevitable thing now and again in life and we know this will happen again following the surgery in waiting to hear back the results.
Mary Anne calls to me to follow her to the lab for some blood work and asks if I will find my way back to the A.C., and I assure her I will be able to. The blood work is quick though the nurse there tells me she can see the vein but is having a difficult time pinning it down to get the needle in and even once in has to rub it/lightly pinch to get the blood flowing.
Upon return to the A.C, it's a short time before the chipper Mary Anne calls to both of us to join her. Lots of questions, temp taken, weight; she promises to keep it confidential, height; at 5' 6", and blood pressure taken; all is good. There are a barrage of questions which I went through following the removal of my stitches two weeks ago and they are asked yet again, answers the same!
She then has me empty out my pills/vitamins and we go through those too!
John asks what happens should the lymph nodes come back positive for further evidence of melanoma, but that question must be saved for the surgeon to answer she says. We are welcome to call and ask specific questions, but I'm really not sure I want to ask at this point. The other question, will I need more than the weekend to recover from the surgery? It takes place on the Friday and I figure I'll be back on Monday, she refers to the surgeon again. Oh well, we shall see.
My next appt. is with my own doctor, Mar. 5th and to have the medical history completed and faxed to the hospital on completion of that visit.
John wishes to take me to Wimpy's for a good breakfast but I suggest we make do with a quicky; he,he...breakfast...the meal, at McDonald's and I should then make my way to work, it's nearly circle time.
John relinquishes and that's what we do. I would love to stall as today is going to be a long day and as it turns out, even longer than I think.
Thank heaven for Friday...despite the long day it ends with a wonderful night with hubby, our beautiful daughter and her fiance as we attend the Northumberland Players production of Cabaret! No time for me to have dinner with the late departure from work, but I fill up on the music and feast for the eyes that the set, costumes, dancing and fabulous cast are! All the months of work pay off; as always, in such a stunning show! Kudos to the cast and crew in their Fabulous evening of entertainment! One can quickly forget their cares at Cabaret!...so very happily! :)
I was ready pretty quickly and off we went, a notepad of questions, all of my prescriptions and vitamins bagged for their inspection and hoping for a breakfast treat following the appt. before returning to my duties at work.
Like most such appointments it's the "hurry up and wait" game. But like we know as parents there were times we likely did the very same to our children-not meaning too, but it's an inevitable thing now and again in life and we know this will happen again following the surgery in waiting to hear back the results.
Mary Anne calls to me to follow her to the lab for some blood work and asks if I will find my way back to the A.C., and I assure her I will be able to. The blood work is quick though the nurse there tells me she can see the vein but is having a difficult time pinning it down to get the needle in and even once in has to rub it/lightly pinch to get the blood flowing.
Upon return to the A.C, it's a short time before the chipper Mary Anne calls to both of us to join her. Lots of questions, temp taken, weight; she promises to keep it confidential, height; at 5' 6", and blood pressure taken; all is good. There are a barrage of questions which I went through following the removal of my stitches two weeks ago and they are asked yet again, answers the same!
She then has me empty out my pills/vitamins and we go through those too!
John asks what happens should the lymph nodes come back positive for further evidence of melanoma, but that question must be saved for the surgeon to answer she says. We are welcome to call and ask specific questions, but I'm really not sure I want to ask at this point. The other question, will I need more than the weekend to recover from the surgery? It takes place on the Friday and I figure I'll be back on Monday, she refers to the surgeon again. Oh well, we shall see.
My next appt. is with my own doctor, Mar. 5th and to have the medical history completed and faxed to the hospital on completion of that visit.
John wishes to take me to Wimpy's for a good breakfast but I suggest we make do with a quicky; he,he...breakfast...the meal, at McDonald's and I should then make my way to work, it's nearly circle time.
John relinquishes and that's what we do. I would love to stall as today is going to be a long day and as it turns out, even longer than I think.
Thank heaven for Friday...despite the long day it ends with a wonderful night with hubby, our beautiful daughter and her fiance as we attend the Northumberland Players production of Cabaret! No time for me to have dinner with the late departure from work, but I fill up on the music and feast for the eyes that the set, costumes, dancing and fabulous cast are! All the months of work pay off; as always, in such a stunning show! Kudos to the cast and crew in their Fabulous evening of entertainment! One can quickly forget their cares at Cabaret!...so very happily! :)
Day 8 - The burden gets lighter
Today went very well. I enjoyed our training day and had a chance to speak with the teacher with whom I will be working with and at some point in the conversation felt comfortable enough to tell her what was happening when she arrived last week. I know she must surely have noticed the upset and small gathering outside the room upon her arrival. Each time I share it feels a little less dark and menacing and I can't help but feel a stronger and stronger sense of positive thoughts.
I always look forward to Thursday evenings, somehow more than Friday there is the build of relief in knowing just one more day before the freedom of the weekend will be upon us. That coupled with the chance to be home and talk more openly among ourselves about what lies ahead and without the concern of curious onlookers in the event I crumble again is such a great comfort.
Tomorrow though John will accompany me to the Pre-Op Assessment Clinic at the hospital. He has taken the day off...though not I. He will take me for a "treat" after before I must return to my duties.
I always look forward to Thursday evenings, somehow more than Friday there is the build of relief in knowing just one more day before the freedom of the weekend will be upon us. That coupled with the chance to be home and talk more openly among ourselves about what lies ahead and without the concern of curious onlookers in the event I crumble again is such a great comfort.
Tomorrow though John will accompany me to the Pre-Op Assessment Clinic at the hospital. He has taken the day off...though not I. He will take me for a "treat" after before I must return to my duties.
Day 7 - Happy Thoughts and Brotherly love
Today marks one week since I entered into the world of cancer ...up close and personal. Today has gone fairly well, nothing really to complain about...o.k, I'm sure there's something but just the "ordinary" complaints; re: I'm tired, I wish I had more time at home, I'd like to start painting our bedroom, the day feels long, what did I bring for lunch today...etc.! The "c" word steals the ability to whine about the crazy mundane little things and REALLY makes you think about what you really have a beef with...the possibility that one might have less time to complain about the mundane! ...but let's not go that route, it's just not fathomable and at this point just wastes time, when all I need is positivity and good vibes!
I called my brother tonight and he did get my message about the cookies beneath the bbq cover and did enjoy them; all to himself! My note however seems to have been gifted to the winds and carried off and away. We talked about his snowmobile adventures, well, the lack of this year, but that he did very recently enjoy a trip to the north...finding the snow at Paudash and Cardiff. I love the sound of a trip along forested trails in the snow...the hum of the snowmobiles and holding on tight as the winds nip at you along the way.
I remember my brother's first snowmobile; a Rupp and loving the opportunity to have a quick trip on the north road at Elizabethville to Oak Hill and back. There in too lies a fave memory from home there in Elizabethville...snowy winter nights and snowmobilers driving past and as they did of course it interfered with the tv reception, but thankfully only momentarily!
Eventually I tell him about the melanoma and he knews some information about that and I remind him; as our Mom would, to have any moles checked regularly. My brother is a freckle covered curly top red head! He asks my surgical date and a couple of other questions and wishes me well in the outcome and we'll talk again soon. Now each of my family knows and the 'secret beast' seems somehow less threatening! Reminds me of a children's story, "Harry and the Terrible Whatsit!"; Dick Gackenbach, which my children may recall me reading to them when they were very young.
I don't tell someone tonight when we have time together because it seems unnecessary to bring up the topic as they prepare for a wonderful carefree holiday. I will let them know later so don't wish to post anything here until I know they are well on their way to paradise far away and free of any electronic cares!
It's been a pretty good day overall. Tomorrow is a training day once again at the United Way offices and I am ready and know I will be fine this week. We won't have to talk about the melanoma at all; they found out last week as you may have read, and the day will be a positive focus on an upcoming program we will be doing in a kindergarten class for ten weeks. That 's exciting and I will welcome the change in pace.
I called my brother tonight and he did get my message about the cookies beneath the bbq cover and did enjoy them; all to himself! My note however seems to have been gifted to the winds and carried off and away. We talked about his snowmobile adventures, well, the lack of this year, but that he did very recently enjoy a trip to the north...finding the snow at Paudash and Cardiff. I love the sound of a trip along forested trails in the snow...the hum of the snowmobiles and holding on tight as the winds nip at you along the way.
I remember my brother's first snowmobile; a Rupp and loving the opportunity to have a quick trip on the north road at Elizabethville to Oak Hill and back. There in too lies a fave memory from home there in Elizabethville...snowy winter nights and snowmobilers driving past and as they did of course it interfered with the tv reception, but thankfully only momentarily!
Eventually I tell him about the melanoma and he knews some information about that and I remind him; as our Mom would, to have any moles checked regularly. My brother is a freckle covered curly top red head! He asks my surgical date and a couple of other questions and wishes me well in the outcome and we'll talk again soon. Now each of my family knows and the 'secret beast' seems somehow less threatening! Reminds me of a children's story, "Harry and the Terrible Whatsit!"; Dick Gackenbach, which my children may recall me reading to them when they were very young.
I don't tell someone tonight when we have time together because it seems unnecessary to bring up the topic as they prepare for a wonderful carefree holiday. I will let them know later so don't wish to post anything here until I know they are well on their way to paradise far away and free of any electronic cares!
It's been a pretty good day overall. Tomorrow is a training day once again at the United Way offices and I am ready and know I will be fine this week. We won't have to talk about the melanoma at all; they found out last week as you may have read, and the day will be a positive focus on an upcoming program we will be doing in a kindergarten class for ten weeks. That 's exciting and I will welcome the change in pace.
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It's Monday and the Sky is Falling
Mondays have the same potential as any other day to be great or not so great, that's a fact. This past Monday, no exception. Unfortu...
