Saturday, February 25, 2012

Day 10 - Writing the wrongs

SATURDAY, Saturday, Sa-tur-day....how I love thee.  Up 'til 3:30 a.m this morning and sleeping in until 10:30  this morning, feels marvelous.   I was up posting the first 6 entries which I had written in a scribbler and have now added here.   I noticed I had capitalized "C" in The "c" Word and was compelled to change it.   Using a capital seemed so wrong...like I had somehow given "cancer" some kind of empowerment it was not deserving of, and feeling like that was a wrong that I needed to rewrite.   And so I did.   Once again letting the secret beast out and taming it's roar!
Today has been a very relaxed day with only the urgency of adding the additional posts over the course of the day and later joining Johns parents for dinner out.
At dinner we discussed melanoma and what we don't know, can't know, hope not to hear but will not imagine and agreed you are best to take one day at a time.  Next week my Father in law will have results post chemo for a spot on his lung.  I hope we will both be celebrating shortly!  He is a lovely person and while he greatly dislikes Doctors, hospitals and medical proceedings has surprised us all with his very positive outlook and attitude and even remarking on the good he has seen in the doctors and his patience in waiting the results reminds me to be patient in each of the steps necessary in dealing with the unknown.
It's only just a few short months before Christmas that we were digesting that he had cancer and our children couldn't believe what they were hearing, but it was real.   That's the thing, I have waves of  emotion that find me thinking I am simply making this all up, being dramatic...as if I were in front of a mirror acting out dramatic scenes as if auditioning for such a role on t.v, or for theatre; just as I did so often as a young kid, thinking so much about wanting to be an actress.   This time, it's no mirror act, it's the real thing.   A hard pill to swallow.
I want to scream, "There's something wrong with this picture!", or "...this role just isn't working for me!", but the only thing that will change it now, is to be blessed if you will with a clean bill following surgery, a big dose of good fortune, or a miracle. A miracle seems just what I might need when you know just how many people around you are fighting to take back their lives from the grip that is cancer.
Well, I'm ready to stop for the night, put on my fave jammies and curl up with my "Rock"...and having said that hope he is coping alright, but with his questions yesterday know he is as frightened at times as I.   I am pretty strong; certainly stronger than I have ever imagined myself to be, but my emotions beg to differ and I know I need to allow time for that too.

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