Day 444- The "c" word -Ten Months and holding on! : )

The Long...

(Heavy)

                                                         and the short of this experience!  (Wispy light)


 I can't believe next week will bring me to the tenth month of my treatment with Interferon!   It's been such a looooong year and while happy to be alive to count these days, each day I wake with a horrible cloak of dread, negative thoughts, and almost always accompanied by a sense of physical ill and it really is a big job to force myself to crawl away from my bed.
Wednesday was a wonderful day, I felt pretty good, not bad, while Tuesday was a terrible day, I felt very ill and Thursday was awful,  much like Tuesday.  I know I just have to appreciate the good days and make as much of those  when they come along.

Friday I met with a friend who I met early on as we were both sent to our assigned chair in the chemo suite at Lakeridge.   We had begun our treatment plan at the exact time only later becoming a week apart in our Interferon when the oncologist booked her start on the maintenance after he had a week's holidays.   We both agree the extreme and ongoing headaches and severe fatigue are the worst of the side effects.  Tylenol is our new best friend!!  Our hair is similar in how much thinner it is and that we both went shorter, different enough in fact when looking for each other we walked right past each other.   We laughed!   In our defense it's been a couple of months since we've seen each other...like perhaps last fall!!!

It was good to compare what each of us has been feeling and know we could relate as far as side effects, including the emotional roller coaster one feels one is on at times.  We have the same oncologist and and just seem to hit it off with each other and make for good support for each other.  I'm not much of a texter, but that's how we tend to communicate so I'm gaining some new texting skills!  LOL!

I hope we will be able to share a future of NED; no evidence of disease, dodging any further melanoma bullets!   While having been a cancer patient really sucks, it has brought me new acquaintances, some positive new experineces and what I'm sure is a long term friendship and that's a positive!   We've both had a difficult year and for reasons beyond our own health as well, but we're here for each other and both are very lucky to have additional friends keeping us looking ahead and thinking positively!  I thank you all; you know who you are!  : )

I know there are days when I simply don't feel like being around anyone and I'm sure on those days people wouldn't want to be around me either!  

Hannibal and the Waxing!

Three weeks ago I mentioned needing to shave my legs; not that anyone sees them lately as I play somewhat of a hermit.    My daughter seemed almost excited to hear this and piped in that she could wax them.   "Great" I say, and then she adds I will need to continue growing the hair for another two weeks in order that we have a successful waxing!
I look at John and apologize, he laughs, I do as well.   We laugh at that point not knowing the terror that waxing brings to ones body.

I had been looking at John's eyebrows and as our daughter has pointed out on many occasion, yep they are quite unruly even for a man.   She plans to wax her father's brow's as  well.   The night she did my legs and was to do his brows, he went to bed before she arrived home.   Hmmmm...an escape plan?  I think maybe!

The evening of the event would be a second of firsts for me that day as my daughter had also dyed my hair; first professional dye job for me, just as I was deciding maybe I was ready to let the gray reign.  She was my wake up call that morning and in my groggy state I hear her telling me to get out of bed because I need to be at the salon for a noon appointment.   That went well, completely painless and I was rather pleased with the fresh new look she afforded me, including a tiny trim to the bangs and hair at the nape of my neck.

...And so evening falls and it is WAX TIME!   The wax pot is plugged in just shortly before my "waxer" arrives home, tear strips at the ready and spread sticks awaiting their first glide over grizzly grounds.   My leg hair is pretty long!   Earlier in the week I attended Yoga for the first time in several weeks and any time the pose/stretch included the raising of the legs I cringed at the thought of my pant legs racing back down to my thighs exposing my "grizzly" legs, but was very fortunate in that I do believe the grizzly state of my leg hair held my pant legs in their appropriate place!
The first round...Wax spread like butter upon my shins and then the tear strip; aptly named, then applied and smoothed over the wax, and then OMG, HOLY HELL GOODBYE GRIZZLY, that SMARTS!!!
I don't remember how many strips it took to complete the first leg but you can be assured I was already thinking about that second leg and the fact that while being nearly finished the first leg gave me no comfort, knowing there was a whole other leg!!!
I suggested we take a break; I needed to catch my breath.   I'm not sure at this point which I find more frightening, watching the episode of Hannibal playing out before us on the tv screen, or considering the fright of another episode of "Hair on the tear".   I wonder too if while this is also tiring for my daughter, hmmm, does she enjoy the opportunity to induce a little pain in pay back for moments of wronged I may have inflicted upon her?
We soon continue on and while I don't know how long I will possess the teeth clenched, eyes shut and wincing face, well after the painful deed is done, I survived and I thank my daughter!   I thank her?

Fun, fun fun....the real kind please!

Here I am, it's March almost April and this whole adventure began just over a year ago!   The adventure, Melanoma!  Of course in the routine testing following two surgeries; SLN and SLND, there were also a Bone Scan, CT Scan, MRI and Pelvic ultrasounds.  

As if melanoma wasn't enough...the surgeries, the chemo and one year of self injections three nights a week; now eight months in, I've had some additional surprises challenge my strength even further!

You really don't know how strong you are until you are tested and presented with the choice to fight or lay down and let the obstacles rule!   No way am I willing to just lie down and these things rule me!

First the melanoma and after a number of months have become used to the routine of doctors appointments, various meds and yes the injections and their array of side effects!

Up next, just days following a follow up to a mammogram and ultrasound for skin changes in one breast, found a lump in the opposite breast.   Scaaaarrrry!   The lump was not one I really had to be certain was there when looking in the mirror it was visually very apparent.   An additional follow up to this is scheduled for June.

Add to all the fun of the above, the onslaught of a very unscheduled peri menopause event!   Fifteen days later the event stops; for now!!!!   I am sure some of what I am feeling these last few weeks has connection to that.   I am so weak and more tired than even the new usual tired from the effects of the Interferon!  Wow, if I could simply pick up a phone and call Mother Nature, I would be ranting like a,
a, well,  ....peri menopausal, stark raving, hormonal bitch!  What a sure fire way to have spoiled an evening out; first since October, not pleasant!   I had an appointment with my family doctor yes terday and it does seem this is the next stage in my post fifty adventure!  Yippee, one more unexpected twist to this crazy year I've had! Oh well I can only imagine how fantastic this next year is sure to be in light of everything I have already gone through!!!
Here's looking to "fun" adventures ahead!   Like REAL fun!

Eew, Hair in the bathtub! Feb. 2013

If you've ever been the lucky one left to clear human hair from the tub drain, then you know just how disgustingly gross that is!  A tangle of hair covered in soapy slime is a sure fire recipe for gagging!

Recently my daughter asked if I'd mind helping her to clean her hair extensions and I was happy to!  Entering into the bathroom the view afforded me looked more like a scene from Disclosure with Demi Moores near final scene than "salon like" activity about to take place!
Hanging all along the edge of the bathtub long tresses of hair that could have belonged to someone submerged in the depths of the tub.   I've never been so thankful to know those tresses were extensions and not actually attached to a person's scalp.

Ashley had had her hair cut to just above her shoulders but within a couple of weeks was missing her former longer locks.  Her solution was easy then, just purchase some good quality extensions.

...And there I was, adding conditioner to each strand of extension, making sure every hair; which happens to be real hair, benefits from a full treatment.

First glance upon the task at hand sent shivers down my spine - a "hair raising" experience!  From here on of course it's just a "normal" grooming experience.
Hair's to that!

Dishing out a new direction! Happy New Year!

Well, Happy New Year.   I am using my good china every day now and while it would seem that was a New Year's resolution, it was not.  This may sound corny, but like Mary Poppin's can't ignore the "winds of change"!   ...Oh those winds have been stirring things up a lot this year and some changes have not been so good while others are rather refreshing and inspiring!
Back in the fall I simply had an epiphany and wondered why do I not use my china more, especially when it is stored in the bottom of the buffet and quite a chore to get out for those few special occasions?   That very moment I rearranged my kitchen cupboards, moved the corelle to storage in the basement and filled my cupboards with collected pieces to build on what was started from my Grandmother Rowden's dishes; divided among us, and a complete set from John's Grandmother Nevin.   I love them both and blend both sets at our table and they look great together.
I did keep a small few pieces of Corelle next to the microwave for heating purposes, but once the microwave is "toast" we will go back to a toaster oven.

Yes, events of the last year; health related, did influence my decision to use the china and enjoy it daily!   Cliche perhaps but it's true that we don't know what comes next so that was just one thing I felt I really wanted to change.   I am changed and now too are my cupboards!
Happy New Year to you and may it be a glorious one!

In the ring and battling it out.

It's been a little while since I have post anything and am now in  my 5th month of maintenance with the Interferon-Intron Apha 2b.
I recently FINALLY saw the Dermatologist which went well and that right after having had the "mole mapping" photos done through the hospital! Well that was interesting! The photographer and volunteer had me feeling very much at ease in no time! While with the Dermatologist I did have one mole removed from the back of my leg and learned too that if there is hair growing from a mole that is a good sign, as a rule hair will not grow where there is melanoma. I haven't heard back on that one but haven't been too worried about it as the Derm didn't seem concerned at all and I think took it off for my peace of mind. I will return in six months.
Overall in this process I thought I wasn't doing too badly and did return to work but that really didn't go so well; one week and three days. Co-workers had tried to convince me to stay off, but financially I felt I needed to return and also in feeling like so much has changed I felt I needed to try, thinking somehow I might feel more of a "normal me" in getting back into the swing of things. 
Headaches here and there, appetite is so-so; eating very small portions, fatigue...well, ongoing and always but the hardest thing to deal with is the emotional fragility I have been feeling. What a roller coaster and it seems it changes without warning.
I don't like the way I've been feeling at all, it scares me and waking up in the morning is not a pleasant time; though the alternative is not at all a pleasant thought either. It's a fight every morning just getting past the "physically ill" feeling that takes over as I enter into awakedness! Not to worry though upon "crashing down" recently was in touch with my family doctor and also the social worker I have had in my corner since  the Induction phase of the treatment. I saw my oncologist for my bi-monthly checkup last week and a follow up with the social worker as well. I also had a follow up my family doctor. 
For others out there, yes it can be difficult to share that you are feeling what may be depression, but during an Ultrasound last spring the tech shared her experience with her brother who had been on Interferon and advised me to be aware of feelings of depression; it is a listed possible side effect, and not to wait to talk with someone and if needed antidepressants can help. I'll admit to being a little worried about taking such meds, but know with my "team"; oncologist, social worker, family doctor, I can withdraw gradually once treatment is complete and have a great deal of support.  The antidepressants at this point are taking a lot out of me; I sleep a lot, and have no ambition at all and there is nauseasness and extreme fatigue  .   I know it is that my body is adjusting and the oncologist did say it could take from ten days to 4 weeks before I am feeling really good.   The social worker will be doing frequent follow up with me.
I'm working hard at staying in the ring with this fight! I'll just have to be patient with myself This has been a very difficult period for me this last month or so, but I hope I can work through it and celebrate like there was no tomorrow when I complete the run!
Still fighting the battle!  I've lost count of the rounds and another round straight ahead.

Be good to yourself.

Part 1 Getting the Skinny on my skin!!!

Photo Cd in hand and ready to share...o.k, with a Dermatologist ONLY, I finally have my appointment with the Dermatologist today!   I'm almost giddy with excitement, well perhaps not quite, but this appointment was made months ago and apparently that's the way it goes.

One week ago I had an appointment with a photographer at Lakeridge Health, for a "Mole Mapping" session!   Hmmm sounds intriguing at least doesn't it?   Not your "Glam Shots" kind of session but as important in relation to what's been happening in my life as the usual photo shoot is to the resume of an actor or celebrity.     It wasn't so bad and surprisingly didn't find myself at all nervous once in there.   There was the photographer and a hospital volunteer who was pretty cute in her manner and had a great sense of humour.   I think looking back, that the photographer was more nervous than I.   He was a gentleman and explained everything from the get-go.   My Oncologist will have a cd for his records and I will have mine.  

From the photos my dermatologist can view each mole and then exam them in their actual location on my person, assess and from here we will both make note and compare any future changes with these lovely little spots.   I have one which may raise some level of concern and a possible second one that she too may feel the same about, but we will soon know.   I know all too well, even if there is anything to be concerned about I won't necessarily know today but will have to wait a couple of weeks!   I don't think I will ever get used to the waiting!

I've been to this dermatologist before but the nature of this visit is very different than my last visit;  so many changes and in what seems like a very short time period.
The story continues...stay tuned!   : )

Gathering topics and ramblings of late ...to return soon!

I haven't written in a couple of weeks now, but DO have many a thought filling my head so will get back in the next couple of days!   There is much happening, and plenty for me to ramble on about, though I hope it doesn't come across as rambling!?  
I know there are times as one/I, roll into a subject/conversation and one thought leads to another, leads to another and yet another!  One certainly does not mean to but in the excitement, amazement or simple pondering of initial topic of conversation, it happens!
Having noted this I shall do my best in delivering in a non-rambling fashion!
See you soon!

xo

Officially 50 - and Ontario Health Care knows!

Yep, I'm officially 50!   I received a letter from Cancer Care Ontario today to remind me that once I reach 50 my risk for Colorectal Cancer rises!

It's o.k, I've had this discussion with my family doctor last year, she made a point of it after glancing down at my medical file.    Since so much has happened since then and I've been through a barrage of medical tests it hardly seems much to get worked up about.   My hubby has already had this test as he is just a tad ahead of me in birthdays and it really wasn't so bad.   I had him all set up and comfy for the pre-test preps and I think that is the hardest part!   That part starts out slowly and then of course everything changes very quickly...lots of 'urgent' trips to the lieu!   He was set up in the room closest to said location.   With only one lieu available, he was of course given priority in availability!
On one hand it's like crossing some kind of border into a new foreign land, hearing so much about it but not truly knowing just what to expect with this new MAGICAL land called "50".   On the other there is the thought that "Wow" I'm here and I think I should feel privileged, wise; in some degree, and it does in fact scare me a little because of course there is much reflection to be seen from here.   I think I'll grab the world by the 'hiny' and get what I can out of the next several years  even if it includes 'Age Privileged' medical testing in ensuring the extension of my physical existence!

Well, here's to turning 50 and receiving additional Birthday Wishes of sorts.   If you are going to be turning this magic number soon, keep this in mind.   For more information please go to:
ontario.ca/coloncancercheck or call, toll free at 1-866-662-9233

Take care of yourself!

: ]

Wind swept meanderings...I'm under the influence!

This morning; late, just after getting up for the day and about to shower I peer out the bathroom window and see a woman in the parking lot at the Legion next door.    This is not so unusual as there is always someone walking a dog or setting up for some event there, etc., but she has no dog and I try to decide if her meandering is just that or she is under the influence; of something we all wish we had!
I couldn't help but feel a sense of mystery, intrigue and my imagination was spurred on!

There she was, all dressed in black, a black dress, black stockings and black, heeled shoes.  The bottom of the dress was of alternating lengths of long and short; like arranged handkerchiefs, which fluttered and waved so eloquently in the wind.    Walking onto the gravel road leaving the parking lot and leading up past our house, I noted she wore the large maroon shawl or scarf  draped around her shoulders.   She was raising it above her head and in circular motion then brought it down around herself and back onto her shoulders.   Such a dance, as the light fabric lifted and fell again gracefully and wildly.  Her steps looked a little awkward and I wondered if she was just enjoying a very slow "meander" or that she was as I said under the influence of one form or another and perhaps influenced by the wonderful winds that blow today.

I teetered on whether or not to step out and offer assistance but she was doing fine, just not completely convincing in the manner with which she took each step.   Her legs awkwardly criss crossed in very slow, almost sideways but still forward steps.  She might wonder if I was well had I given the opportunity for my being judged as well.   My hair not done, in my bath robe and not well put together at that point.

I thought about what it all meant.   Was she in a distraught state of mind and feeling completely depleted?   Was she preparing to bid someone near and dear farewell at a service later this morning.   Maybe I was even a little envious of the way she so free spiritedly moved and let herself be taken in by the wind and just letting go!   If she wasn't burdened with great sadness, maybe she was actually in a state of emotional relief and didn't care to be hurried any longer and simply in some form of blissful thought, caring less about everything.

Whatever her thoughts, state of being I hope she's alright and maybe the wind simply just inspired a sense of carefree.   That's what it's doing to me this morning, despite my knowing I have many tasks at hand and a couple of them involve being timely in their completion!   Oh well I am finishing lunch and then taking a few minutes; if not longer, to linger outdoors throwing my cares to the wind!  I can't wait and I must give thanks to the young woman's inspiration this morning.  I know we all get so caught up in our busy busy little worlds and need be reminded to just stop and smell the flowers, breath, dance, jump in a puddle, feel the wind, be a little carefree now and again!   Go on, let go!

xo

...So I'm 50?... where to from here and the "C" Word!

There's a fork in the road and I'm wondering which path to follow...I feel like I really need to at least go down the one I know less just to see where it leads me!   Thoughts so many thoughts and just thinking about true happiness and what that means.   When I think about being happy I picture my hubby and I on our wedding day and feeling so very happy to know from that day forward I had the most wonderful man right there by my side!   Sounds so corny I know but I really was so excited to know he was mine...and 28 years later still is and I'm feeling the very same way!   Picturing each of my children's faces makes me incredibly happy, especially thinking back to when they were very young and watching them discover the wonders all around them, including things that as grown ups we have long taken for granted and completely overlook any more!    Suddenly you find yourself rediscovering everything through your children's eyes and the world couldn't be more perfect, all over again!  They're young adults themselves now and I still find myself seeing the world through their eyes and it's still so amazing, well most days!

I had my 50th birthday recently and while that alone could make me think about so much in life, the life I've had in the past, and what lies ahead for me,  this year in addition to my 50th birthday I am celebrating just being here, as anyone should but sometimes life throws you a really fast curve ball and it REALLY makes you take a good look at what's happening and it makes your head spin.   In February I was diagnosed with melanoma and that alone changes so much and while you might think in a negative way, it has over time since then also changed much in a positive way!  Initially of course the news made my head spin and I really didn't know what to do with that news, aside from thinking, "I have to call my doctor!"!

Two surgeries; having the tracer dye injected was more painful than the surgeries themselves, one month of daily Chemo at the hospital, and in the middle of my second month of self injections done three times weekly, which will continue until next July provided my liver continues to tolerate the Interferon and I'm doing pretty good.

I have found a program which I fell head over heals for right away, but people didn't tell me about out of concern in relation to the nature of it.   "The Big C" with Laura Linney is my new favourite show and you guessed it, it is about Cancer!!!   In particular and ironically it's about a woman named Cathy...yes, with a 'C', who has been diagnosed with Melanoma!   Laura Linney's character, Cathy is Stage 4, I am Stage 3.    There are certainly moments for shedding tears in this program but it's so cleverly funny, poignant, there is such sharp wit and I love it!  If you haven't seen it, I warn you there is adult content, there is swearing, etc., but that's what makes it so exceptionally great, it's just as we are, imperfect and trying to find our way while life hurls rotten  tomatoes at us!  She is trying to figure out how to deal with her prognosis, as Stage 4 carries a much more uncertain future and one looking to ensure as much time as possible will with their oncologist seek out all options available in treatment, clinical trials etc. .    She does at first go a little to the extreme; or not at all, in how she deals with everything and then begins to see a new perspective and perhaps later another one yet.  Yes the sad parts will make me cry but I feel stronger for that in allowing for tears and then laugh out loud in the funny moments and walk away from it with a will to be as spunky and strong a fighter as Laura Linney's Cathy.
I'm only recently beginning to question just what it all means, now having gotten past the initial shock.  That's the thing, in the early days following diagnosis, seriously you can't help but wonder how much longer you have on earth and that's scary shit!   You know how they say when you think you're dying and you see your life flash before you!?  Yes.   I also couldn't help but see everything I hadn't done, wanted to do and hoped I'd get the chance!

In sorting through the emotions in dealing with this I have been painting and writing just as I once did so many years ago but of course it feels different now and the genre of how and what I am painting or writing is all new!   I also am trying to be more brave in going after new experiences and am not sure how I feel about returning to previous ones.   Time will tell!  I don't know what lies ahead, but HEY nor does anyone else!  Of course a lottery windfall would be nice, a trip somewhere beyond nice too, we'll all just have to wait and see!
It's like stimulation overload to have had melanoma happen and turn 50 all in the same year!  My thought is, well, melanoma distracted any concerns I may have had about the impending 50!   I have to take from this whatever I can and if I live to be 100 I want to be sure I've done everything I can to have had another great 50 years of life even when life throws rotten tomatoes at me!
Go ahead, "Hit me with your best Shot!"!
xo