Crappulousness and the pursuit of happy thoughts!

...It's Friday again!   Friday means a very early morning at LHH beginning with blood work, then an 8:30 treatment time which takes about an hour and a half and then a visit with our friendly oncologist.   The morning rolls along well until it comes to the appointment time with our oncologist.   Last week appointments were backed up and again this week, but even more so!   Our appointment was for 10:40 a.m, I was called in at about 11:30 and saw the doctor at 11:50 and was done at noon.   A very long morning.  My Mom had accompanied me Friday and we both enjoyed talking with the nurse in Chemo, they are all wonderful.   I've been writing down each of their names which helps in remembering each of them and being able to call them by name when I see them in the Chemo centre.   We also enjoyed talking with another lady who is just one week ahead of me in the same course of treatment.   We are fast becoming well acquainted.

Every Friday feels the same, with one exception this time, in admitting to feeling a sense of "down", yes, some measure of depression.   I prefer though at this point to refer to it as a realization that "crappy" is just the way it's going to be from here on.   My ESAS; Edmonton Self Assessment Survey, will reflect this new admission and I know they; nurses/doctor, will be keeping track of this.  There is no denying that one has a general feeling of complete "crappiness" or better yet as a friend referred to it, "crappulous(ness)"!   My new favourite word.    Thursday I found myself randomly consumed with a feeling of great woe, tearing up and wondering if I could actually recall how it feels to actually feel "happy" for any length of time at all.    I do have moments of laughter, and try to find humour where possible but it is not fun to wake up and realize no matter how lovely a day weather may offer up, or despite some fabulous events available to enjoy, I am going to feel "crappy"!  There is no desire for any particular activity, no ambition or energy for much beyond a really good sleep!

Being excited because it's the weekend isn't quite what it used to be, while that does mean no treatment for two days, it doesn't really offer anything different in what to expect in how I will feel physically!   I am happy to have John home with me though, he may or may not know just how much comfort his presence alone affords me, even when I have expressed just that sentiment to him.
I think a nice drive, perhaps to Young's Point, to watch boats come and go at the locks while we sit on a blanket and maybe enjoy an ice cream!   Anywhere near the water would be nice, watch the sun dance on the waves and listen as they lap onto the shore...maybe Lakeport?  
I'll do my best to find some "happy" and this afternoon, that is likely to be in the form of some "hammock time" and maybe a new painting!
Whatever I can do to change the title of my "end of summer" blog from "The Summer that Never Was" is a good idea!

xo