Saturday, April 21, 2012

Thursday again...Getting Sexy back?...when?

This evening I'm not feeling so great! ...for many reasons and not fully knowing why at the same time, especially following such good news from Doctor Simon.
I think some of what I'm feeling comes from not really fully understanding or feeling the "real" in the initial diagnosis and hearing everyone, including myself talk about it like the weather, or a current event, not feeling it's REAL!   I hear it, "I have cancer", Melanoma is cancer and now I am trying to get my head around, "Everything is clear...there was no discolouration, no enlarged lymph nodes, the Melanoma is gone.".  I can't explain it.   While having the good news I look forward to talking with Dr. Stratford, what now...and as Dr. Simon said, "next steps"!
I have to say it, I feel it so much right now...I feel so UGLY, yes U-G-L-Y with capitals!  I can't hid my disappointment in still noticing the bulge beneath the right side of my clothing where the lovely tube extends to the little pump clipped to the underside of my shirt each day.  I showered for my first time today, in six days!   I still am not able to wear a bra!   As a collective, all of these facts just make me feel Ugly...uglier than sin!
Let's face it I'm no longer the perky  fresh, little Miss I once was 20 years ago...oh, correction, longer ago than that~!  Twenty years ago I was pregnant with my third child and we know the "decline" had already begun!  I can be that honest about it!
Watching the musical "Priscilla Queen of the Dessert" I couldn't help but think I resembled the rough gal in the bar who thought she'd pick on Bernadette...oh how sad to think I saw myself...ribbed tank and not so coiffed do...the difference, she was actually wearing a bra!   I do w/o with discretion though, always wearing a little sweater or jacket to help conceal my state of affairs! LOL!
I tell John when this is all over, a really fun, get gussied up kind of night out is definitely in order.
I'd like to be done up to the nines!   Maybe a new dress, hair done to perfection, my makeup done; I know a top quality makeup Artist, and just want to feel some pretty!   I want to feel SEXY...that's it, I want my SEXY back!   I hope I can find it again!  : S

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