Saturday, February 25, 2012

Day 6 - Tearful, gives way to Nausea

My younger sister calls me this morning, wanting to share with me what she's read online.  I understand she wants to feel helpful and as she said she really didn't know much about Melanoma.  I have been reading a few sites and  have learned plenty more than I already thought I knew.   I did promise the doctor not to find myself in chat rooms discussing Melanoma, for obvious reasons.   Too many people think they are somehow experts and think they have all the answers but I know each case is so unique in it's nature and in how that varies so greatly.

I drove to my brother's house this afternoon, and I did well; that is no tears in the car today-little victories get noticed these days.  Now I'm finding I have waves of fear which make me feel nauseous.   If you were to jump into my car and turn the ignition on there is a very good chance you would immediately find yourself reaching to turn down the radio.   The tunes are played a little louder these days and I sing a little louder while in the car.  It is helpful...I can't hear my own thoughts-and presently, that's a very good thing.
Upon arriving at my brother's I notice his truck is there, but then quickly find the house and garage all locked up and the truck is too.   I have cookies I baked for him and left them under the bbq cover with a note!   I will drive down Bolton St. to view the lake spotted with bright colours afforded by many ice huts.   I take a photo and drive on.   Tomorrow I will call Tommy, we'll talk then.
Somehow the tears don't come as easily now, but  instead waves of a nauseousness, the fear of the unknown . I'll have to work on this.
I bake cookies tonight and after having a visit with our daughter on route back to Toronto with her fiance, I deliver some to the theatre to the green room for the cast and crew to indulge in.   Once again I fear that I might somehow end up 'crumbling' on the utterance of some word or gesture, etc. so am happy to find the cast and crew; for the most part, are on stage or front of house.   I feel safe in controling my emotions long enough to say hello to the costume designer and tell her the cookies are there.  I am in and out and happy for another tear free day.  I haven't turned into a cold hard bitch, and certainly would ABSOLUTELY love to see these wonderful marvelous people; thank you Phoebe Gillman, whom I have not seen in some time.  Remember I missed the great gathering of lovelies recently in Grafton.  It's that I don't know how long I'm good for without turning into a blubbering mess upon a "trigger" word, question, moment, etc. and would very much like to spare everyone and myself from just such a moment...and they are deep into rehearsals and opening day just a couple of rehearsal's away!

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