If you came to read this blog because I mentioned the "c" word, I might say you're dirty minded, but actually you're more likely just curious and truly I wish it was that word that I was talking about. That "c" word is more often than not considered vulgar, and once in auditioning for a play I chose a part to read because it had THAT "c" word in it, I was afraid of it and thought it so crude, so harsh, when actually the "c" word I'm going to talk about really seems an equal in the impact it has on one when you say it and yes one immediate reaction is fear and disbelief.
Today Wednesday Feb. 15th, 2012; also my son's birthday, seems certain to be one of the days I'd like to forget but likely one you can't help but remember. For him for his birthday today, I will remind him how much he is loved and wish him a day of so many good wishes and will share the unimaginable news I have received sometime later on.
I was in stitches just prior to the moment I'd like to forget. That's right, actual stitches in my back for what one assumed was a rather boring and minor removal of a mole. This time is most definitely like none before. The very handsome Doctor removing my stitches; approx. 6 total, uttered quietly but clearly to me that, "Well Cathy this was more serious than just a mole, it is Melanoma; Cancer.". Just the words one never tries to imagine hearing. One feels a little numb and it's a bit surreal and I then imagine myself an actor in a dramatic role, rehearsing for a production.
Me, playing me but this was not a rehearsal and I don't care much for my lines. These lines are not the ones you have rehearsed, they just happen. Thank heaven's for hunky doctors, it does help! LOL! Though I forgot my lines; as if in a movie and when I should have been saying, "Oh Doctor" (whilst batting my eyelashes), I simply say, "It is?", not at all like the movies! I should have pinched myself and then I might have wakened up. Or requested we do a game of the many other "C" words that one might have enjoyed much more! I return to the waiting area where they instantly have you fill out a medical questionnaire, go over it with you, hand you some papers with a preset surgical date and pre-op date on it and then send you on your way..."See you soon.". And you're out!
...And once I'm outside walk nervously and rather sedately back to my car. I head back to work, wondering how one proceeds from here. Then the tears come. From this morning on being in the car alone for any venture more than 5 minutes just isn't fathomable. I set up an appointment with my family doctor while sitting in my car, in the parking lot, wondering just how to continue my day, actually go to work and then go home to tell my husband; John, how my day went.. I made up my mind I simply had to, only because I didn't know what else to do. My boss' car was not there, so going to her office wasn't an option. I headed in as per normal, prepared to carry on, do a circle time, sing, be happy with the little ones over their amazing creativity at the craft table and just be "normal"!
Later my boss comes through, asks about the appt. and knows by my look and I can't hide it and crumble. She calls for a friend/colleague of ours who has walked in these shoes and we gather in her office to talk. I can't go home, there is no-one there and I do feel I need to carry on and fulfill my afternoon duties in Child Care, where staff shortages are an ongoing challenge for the Supervisor. I tidy up, pinch my cheeks for optimal colouring and head off to do my job.
On my return home that day, I tell John; hubby, as soon as we are both in the door. I cry and he is my rock and tells me I'll be fine and we hold each other for several moments.
At dinner we tell our eldest son. I am thankful he brings some humour to the table, mentioning he knows someone who is researching availability and benefits to medicinal marijuana! It's good to share a laugh; I say I'll be keeping that in mind.
We both go to bed at 10 P.M, unusually early for me and I sleep well until I awaken just after 2 a.m., make a trip to the loo and return to bed to lie awake, while trying so hard to go to sleep only to be distracted by my silent meandering oh so very loud and obnoxious thoughts. Each thought as if waste in a galaxy orbiting in outer space in slow motion. Tears come easily, John wakens pulls me close and whispers "You're going to be just fine.", kisses my forehead and wraps his arm around me. Eventually I give myself to sleep, at last.